Sins of the Past
by edenfalls81
Summary: Two years after Miranda the crew is stranded with no working ship and no medicine to keep River sane. Post BDM.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the original Firefly characters. Tear…flick.

Spoilers: BDM

Chapter 1

"Gorram it River! Did you change our entry vector again?" Mal shouted as he stomped off the bridge of Serenity and headed towards the kitchen. He hated when River went fiddling around with their coordinates, just because she was almost always able to make the trip faster or easier didn't matter. It was his ship and when he programmed in a course that's the way it should stay. He walked into the kitchen to find his pilot sitting on the table where they ate with her legs wrapped around the waist of Jack his new mechanic, she was wearing nothing but a pair of combat boots, the man had even less on.

"River! We eat on that table!" Mal yelled as he quickly spun around so that his back was to the couple. From behind him came the sounds of swearing and then a crash and breaking glass.

"Sorry Captain, we didn't know anyone else was awake." River said as she quickly pulled on her dress and threw a pair of pants at her companion.

"Well what exactly is wrong with your room for this kind of activity?" He asked.

"We were there, but Simon and Kaylee said we were being too loud and told us to go somewhere else so they could get some sleep." The man said as he approached River and put his arms around her.

"I know you two are all hot and bothered being newlyweds and such, but the kitchen ain't the sorta place for this kinda stuff, not when I gotta eat here in the morning." Mal said trying to sound stern, but secretly he was happy his little albatross had found such happiness. Part of the problem was that he just couldn't get used to River being all grown up and a married woman, he still thought of her as the young crazy girl she'd been when he'd first known her. In the two years since Miranda River had become an entirely different person and the crew still had problems realizing that sometimes. Mal was lost in that thought and didn't realize that the couple was staring at him.

"Look we got an early day tomorrow. We gotta drop off the cargo before sunrise, so you two go get some shut eye and River how many times have I gotta tell you to stop messin with my coordinates?"

River gave him the same look she gave him every time he yelled at her for this, it was a look that said she knew she was right and she wasn't going to start listening to him anytime soon. He hated that look.

"Captain it's faster this way." River said exasperated to be having this argument again.

"Well next time you just leave things be. Shiny?" he asked.

"Fine shiny, but it is faster this way." She replied smugly. The brunette man standing behind River hugged her tighter and said,

"Damn my wife is smart isn't she Captain?" Mal rolled his eyes and replied,

"Yeah Jack, you're wife is smart, too smart for her own damn good most of the time." He turned around and headed to his bunk. River could clearly hear him muttering under his breath, "Gorram newlyweds." They held still waiting until they heard the sound of Mal's bunk closing then broke into laughter, Jack boosted River back onto the table and they continued from where they had been interrupted.

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A/N: So this chapter is pretty short but I'll be updating again soon. Please R&R. It makes me happy.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Early the next morning Serenity landed on one of the bleakest planets Kaylee had ever seen, it looked like the Alliance hadn't terraformed here at all. The ground was a brownish-gray expanse of sand, which was being blown around by the constant wind. The only things visible were some rocky hills in the east and the hint of what could be a forest far off in the distance. Kaylee sighed they hadn't been planet side for longer than an hour in almost three months. She'd been looking forward to taking a walk and maybe even having a picnic later in the day with Simon, but this was the kind of planet that made you want to stay in the ship with the windows covered.

"Cap why are we dropping cargo here? And who exactly are we dropping it off to?" she asked as Mal walked past her carrying a large crate that he dropped onto the dusty ground.

"Hey we get a job, specially one that pays this good and I don't ask about the where or who of the situation. We checked the cargo, its just protein and some other food supplies so I think we should just be happy we're getting paid." Mal replied and walked past Kaylee again to grab another crate. Simon and Jayne walked out then both carrying crates as well.

Simon dropped his and headed over to Kaylee. "How is my wife this morning?" he asked and kissed her on the neck.

She laughed and returned the kiss, "I'm doin fine, just wish this place were a little prettier."

Simon smiled and put his hand onto her large belly, "And how's our little guy doing?" he asked.

"Or little girl," she replied. "We're both doin fine are you worrying again?" she questioned suspiciously.

"I can't help it, it's the doctor in me." He answered smiling and walked back into the ship to help unload the rest of the cargo.

Kaylee followed him out onto the dust when he returned and looked around her, "Ya know Simon I had a whole afternoon planned for us; a walk, a picnic, maybe a little dessert after the picnic." She said and winked suggestively.

Mal snorted behind her and said, "I just can't get away from it."

"Can't get away from what?" Jayne asked.

"First I walk in on River and Jack on the kitchen table havin sex now you two takin about it, I just can't get away from it."

"You know Mal I really don't need to hear about my sister's sex life." Simon said and began to walk away but then stopped and turned around suddenly, "On the kitchen table?! God I just ate breakfast on that thing! That's just wrong!"

"So my little brother's sexin up moonbrain on the kitchen table, shiny!"

"Jayne don't call her moonbrain. You know she's better now, and she isn't ready for Jack to know about her past." Kaylee told him in a harsher tone than was normal for her. Simon figured it was being eight months pregnant contributing to the new attitude.

"Just seems wrong keepin a secret from my little brother, specially bout his wife bein a crazy killer woman." Jayne replied with a sneer.

"You know with the drug cocktail I came up with she's as normal as me and you, well as normal as me anyway, she's way more stable than you Jayne." Simon replied and Kaylee and Mal both cracked up.

"He's got a point there Jayne, besides its River's business to tell Jack not yours so you just keep your mouth shut." Mal added.

An hour later the cargo was stacked up and waiting for pickup and the crew was preparing to take off. Simon was restocking the infirmary when River walked in quietly and startled him,

"You really have to learn to walk louder mei-mei, you scared me."

"Sorry Simon I didn't mean to." River replied and smiled at her brother. "How are Kaylee and the baby?" she asked.

"Fine I examined her this morning, everything is right on schedule, one more month and you'll be an aunt." He replied beaming.

River smiled back at him and leaned over to give her brother a hug. "I'm really happy for you both." She said trying to sound upbeat, but Simon knew his sister too well.

"Mei-mei don't worry about it, we'll figure something out, maybe a new drug, something that wouldn't hurt a baby if you got pregnant." He told her.

She shook her head and smiled to dismiss the conversation, "I don't want to worry about that today, you ready?" she asked.

Simon walked over to one of the cabinets and pulled out a syringe and took a vial of medicine from the small refrigerator he kept in the infirmary. He carefully measured out a small dosage of the medicine as River hopped gracefully up onto the table and strapped both of her ankles down with a pair of Velcro restraints at the foot of the exam table and then she lay down. Simon walked over to his sister and strapped both of her wrists down in the same fashion as she had done to her ankles. He swabbed her arm with alcohol and was about to give her the injection when she stopped him.

"Simon, close the door and blinds." She reminded him quickly.

"Sorry mei-mei, I forgot. You know I really think you should just tell Jack about this, I mean he's your husband, he loves you, he would understand. Plus how long do you really think you can keep this a secret." Simon lectured her gently.

River sighed and gave her brother another 'I'm smarter than you' look.

"Simon he's been here for a year and hasn't found out yet. Plus do you really think the second month into my marriage is a good time to say 'Honey by the way I'm a government trained psychic assassin who also happens to be insane without the very strong mixture of anti-psychotics and chemicals that my brother has to inject me with every morning.' I can really see how that conversation is going to go."

"He loves you maybe, it would go better than you believe. And I was the one who told you to be honest with him about everything before you tied the knot but you wouldn't do it remember." Simon replied smugly.

"What have you told him about all the needle marks on your arms? I mean if your doing it in the nice well lit kitchen I'm sure he's probably seen the bruises."

"So did the Captain tell everyone about that?" River asked and rolled her eyes.

"Pretty much, Kaylee though it was funny and is now giving me hints about trying out the kitchen and Jayne was proud of his little brother. I still can't believe my sister is married to a Cobb. And you never did answer my question." Simon answered.

"I told him that I have epilepsy and you give me anti-seizure medicine every day."

Simon sighed but didn't reply he had been over this with his sister a thousand times since the day she informed him that she was going to be marrying Jayne's little brother. Simon locked the door of the infirmary and pulled down the blinds over the windows so that no one could see into the room.

"You ready?" he asked.

River took a deep breath and shut her eyes then nodded her head. Simon gave her the injection quickly into her arm and then held her hand. After ten seconds or so her body began to spasm violently, her back arched completely off the table and her arms and legs shook. Simon continued to hold her hand and stroke her hair for another minute or so until the shaking began to subside and her muscles relaxed. Soon she opened her eyes and gave her brother a shaky smile. Her face had gone pale white and she had broken out into a sweat.

"You alright mei-mei?" He asked quietly.

"I'm fine now, just hurts for a little while. But it's better than not having it at all." River told him trying to ease the worried look from his face. He unstrapped River's wrists and ankles and handed her a towel. She wiped her face down, straightened her clothes and then jumped off the table.

"Simon you have a wonderful wife and you're about to become a father, you need to stop worrying about me. I'm all right. Just be happy with everything you do have, that's what I do." River chastised gently and walked out of the room in search of her husband.

Simon knew that River was right. He had a lot going for him and she was doing better than she'd ever been since the academy, he needed to stop worrying. Simon just couldn't let go of the fact that in order for River to be sane he had to hurt her everyday, not to mention the fact that she desperately wanted to have a baby, but couldn't because the medicine would hurt a fetus.

For the last year Simon had been trying to find a new mixture of drugs that would produce the same results as the ones she was currently taking without the side effects. But the simple fact of the matter was that River needed artificial chemicals to replace the ones she couldn't produce on her own because of the neural stripping the academy had done in her brain. The artificial chemicals were the cause of all her problems but without them River couldn't control her mind reading abilities and this was what led to her losing touch with reality and becoming unstable. Simon just couldn't figure out a way around the problem and he hated the helpless feeling it was giving him. He sighed again and decided to think about other things like River had suggested and left to find his pregnant wife.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Kaylee and Jack were working side by side in the engine room tuning up Serenity's engine when River walked in. She smiled looking at her husband and sister-in-law working closely together to keep their home in the air.

River still looked at her husband with surprise sometimes. She had never really considered wanting to be married before she met Jack and if she had considered marriage it wouldn't have been to someone related to Jayne Cobb.

"So how's our girl doing today?" River asked making both Jack and Kaylee jump when she spoke.

"Gorramit girl you bout gave me a heart attack!" Jack yelled playfully and grabbed River around the waist. "You gotta quit sneakin up on people like that!"

"Sorry I wasn't trying to sneak, I'm wearing my boots and everything!" she yelled as he lifted her into the air and spun her around all the while nibbling behind her ear in the way he knew she loved.

Kaylee smiled up at both of them, "I gotta say you two are just the cutest thing ever, well 'sides me and Simon that is." She giggled and winked at River. "Our girls doin just fine, ready to get off this go-se moon as fast as we can, this dust ain't good for her engine." Kaylee added.

River walked over to Kaylee and lovingly rubbed her belly. "How's my little niece or nephew doing today?" She asked.

Kaylee smiled and placed her own hand on her belly. "Doin fine, kickin a lot I think he or she is gonna like dancing as much as their aunt does."

River had known the sex of the baby since before Kaylee had even known she was pregnant; but because Kaylee and Simon didn't want to know the sex she had kept the knowledge to herself.

Simon walked in then and hugged his wife to him and was rewarded by getting a large oil stain on the front of his shirt. He laughed and rubbed the oil onto the tip of Kaylee's nose.

River liked how much her brother had changed since he had gotten together with Kaylee. He still worried too much but he had loosened up a lot in the last two years.

The two couples stood in the engine room talking for a while until Mal started yelling for his gorram pilot to get her butt up into the bridge and get the ship off the ground. River rolled her eyes and headed out of the engine room. She was halfway to the bridge when she sensed it, she broke into a run as she screamed, "Captain the ship, we have to move now!"

Mal ran to the door of the bridge and looked down the stairs at his pilot. "What…" he began to ask but River interrupted him as she pushed past him and began to frantically start the ignition sequence.

"No time, we have to move now!" She yelled.

She worked faster than Mal had ever seen anyone move, with the possible exception of Wash when he had flown them to Mr. Universe's complex.

Zoe ran up behind Mal then, "We got a problem Sir?" she asked.

"I don't know River hasn't told me." He replied.

River grabbed the controls and was about to lift off when she suddenly looked at Mal.

The last thing Mal heard her whisper was, "Too late." The next thing he knew he was being thrown backwards as a huge explosion shattered the glass windows of the bridge. He caught a quick glance of Zoe being thrown down the stairs and then his head connected with the doorframe and he lost consciousness.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Captain open your eyes."

Mal winced as a bright light was shown first into his right eye and then his left.

"Ow that gorram light hurts!" He tried to push the light away from his face but Simon pushed his hand back down and said,

"Lay still I just need to check and make sure your pupils aren't dilated. He directed the light into Mal's eyes again but this time Mal obliged and held still. After the light turned off he glanced around in confusion.

"What in the hell happened?" He asked. He saw that he was lying on the kitchen table, the room was a mess with bits of debris scattered everywhere and Mal could see three separate places of hull breach. Simon was standing over him along with Zoe but he didn't see any other members of the crew.

"Where's everyone? And what in the sphincter hell blew up my ship?" He yelled and was rewarded with a sharp stabbing pain in the back of his skull.

"Captain you need to stay quiet, you've had a very serious head injury and you've been unconscious for almost five hours." Simon replied and pushed Mal's head back down onto the table.

"Fine I'll hold still but I need some gorram answers, Zoe report." He instructed looking to his second in command.

"It was the moon Sir. River figures we landed on an unstable part of the moon that was still active." She replied.

"What do you mean active?" He asked still trying to wrap his confused and hurting head around everything.

"There was volcanic activity in that crater we landed in. A fissure blew right before we could take off, sent up pressurized gas and debris right under Serenity." Zoe continued.

"Is everyone ok?" Mal asked.

"Everyone's alive Captain, River was hurt badly too but she's going to be fine." Simon answered and gestured over to the counter where Mal noticed River sleeping. Mal took a deep breath and tried to process all the information.

"So what's our status?" He asked again looking at Zoe.

"Its bad sir." She replied simply.

"Yeah I get that how bad is it?" Mal demanded.

"Serenity is dead sir, she ain't going to be flying again without a lot of work and new parts. We have no power and also the infirmary was destroyed along with the cockpit and most of the engine room." Zoe said.

"Yeah that's bad." Mal replied. "So if Serenity ain't moving are we like to get blown up again anytime soon?" He added.

"We should be fine, River managed to get her up and flyin for a bit before the engine blew, she glided her in to a forest about seventy miles from the volcanic site."

Mal nodded and sat up. "Well that's one bit of good news. Where are the others?" He asked and then proceeded to throw up over the edge of the table and onto Simon's shoes.

Simon looked down at his shoes but didn't make a comment just again pushed Mal back down onto the table. "You need to stay laying down Captain you've got a serious concussion, which would be what's causing the vomiting." He added pointedly as he looked down again at his shoes. "I don't have any of my equipment to do a scan, so for all I know you could have bleeding in your brain. It's imperative that you hold still."

"Bleeding in my brain huh? Well that can't be healthy, guess I'll stay laying down. Now will you please tell me where everyone else is?"

"Jayne and Jack are trying to get some of the mess cleaned up so we can move around Serenity without getting hurt. Kaylee is laying down." Zoe reported.

"What about the baby, it doin ok?" Mal asked.

Simon nodded but still looked concerned.

"As far as I can tell everything looks fine, but like I said I don't have any of my equipment so I can't do a scan of the baby. Kaylee got bumped around a lot, but nothing too serious I just thought it would be better if she stayed laying down for a bit." Simon explained.

"How's River?" Mal asked and nodded towards the sleeping girl, again regretting any head movement what so ever.

"She was sitting when the fissure blew so she didn't get banged around, but a lot of the flying glass hit her. She's got some deep lacerations, I patched her up as best I could but she lost a lot of blood. I think if she just stays still she'll be fine."

Mal tried to wrap his head around all of the information he'd just been given but it was too much. All he could think about were Zoe's words, "Serenity is dead." He couldn't seem to come to grips with the fact that his ship wasn't going to get them out of this, they'd gone through so much, how could Serenity be dead after one stupid little job like this? It was while thinking about this that he passed out again.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Two days later Mal was finally able to get up and move around the remains of his ship and he realized that Zoe hadn't conveyed just how bad it really was. The ship was lodged into a large forest of pine trees, her entire right side had been damaged when they had crashed and the underside and front of Serenity had been destroyed when the fissure had blown.

The crew quarters had been ripped apart when the underside blew so he, Jayne, and Zoe had no belongings left. They had to rearrange things in the passenger dorms, which had actually become apartments for the two married couples to make room for the rest of the crew.

Simon had been able to get some supplies out of the destroyed infirmary but it was a very small amount of what they would probably need. They also had no power and though Jack and Kaylee had been working almost non-stop they had yet to even get close to getting the engine to come back on.

Mal figured the job had been a set up, anyone coming to pick up the goods would have seen the trail they had left and it was just too damn convenient that they had been scheduled to make a drop on a place so uninhabited. He had a list of suspects that may have set them up but there was nothing he could do about it stuck on this gorram rock. Mal couldn't get on the cortex to send a help message or find out if there were any settlements close to where they had crashed. He had wanted to take Jayne and Zoe and scout for settlements that may be able to help, but River had memorized the statistics of the small moon and informed him that the nearest settlement was in the northern hemisphere of the moon and was thousands of miles away, much to far for them to reach in the Mule.

It was the afternoon of the third day when Simon found Mal and pulled him outside to speak in private.

"Captain we've got another problem." He said.

"On top of what we already got? What else have we got to go wrong?" Mal asked and sighed not really in the mood to hear anything else bad.

"The infirmary was destroyed." Simon stated.

"Yeah tell me something I don't know, Doctor." Mal said annoyed at the Doc.

"River's medication was in there, I was able to salvage two bottles of it, but the rest were broken. I just gave her the last dose this morning." Simon replied.

"So what exactly does that mean Doc?" Mal asked wishing he would get to the heart of the problem sooner rather than later.

"The drug is what keeps River lucid, without it… well you remember how she was before the medication." Simon answered sounding pained.

"Well we handled her well enough then I think we'll be able to get through it for awhile till we get off this rock."

"Captain you don't understand she's been on the medicine for over a year, she hasn't had to practice controlling her abilities for that long, plus with the tests I've run it seems to me that her abilities are continuing to increase. She's a much stronger reader than she was a year ago and suddenly she's going to be forced to deal with it cold turkey. I think that its likely she will become much more unstable than she was even before Miranda. She's also had a year to train and use her physical abilities as well. I-I hate to say it but I think within the next week or so River could become extremely dangerous." Simon hated telling the Captain this, it felt like he was betraying his sister, but he knew that this wasn't something he would be able to keep secret.

The captain took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair.

"So you're tellin me she's gonna be crazier and stronger than she's ever been and there's nothing we can do about it? What about some of the other drugs you had her on before to keep her calm?" Mal asked after thinking for a minute.

"I was only able to salvage a little medicine and none of it was the stuff I was using on her before. I have some sedatives left and a few smoothers. I hate to use those because some other crew members might need them." Simon added.

"Well if they'll help keep River calm shouldn't you use them for that?" Mal asked.

"If I use them on River what exactly should I use on another crew member if they get hurt or God forbid Kaylee goes into labor and needs a C-section while we're here? I don't want to use any medicine until its absolutely medically necessary." Simon replied in the snide smart tone Mal really hated.

"So Doc what exactly do you suggest I do about this?" Mal asked angrily.

"I wasn't telling you so you could do anything about it I just thought as the Captain you should be kept informed of the entire situation." Simon said. Mal wanted to snap back at the young Doctor, but he had a good point.

"Does River know about all this?" Mal asked.

"She's smarter than all of us put together I'm sure its crossed her mind." Simon said sarcastically. "But yes I talked to her this morning." He added quickly seeing the annoyed look Mal had.

"Well if she's so smart what does she think we should do about it?" Mal asked.

"Smart or not there isn't a whole lot she can do about it. She said that she's going to try and maintain as well as she possibly can, but that if things start looking like they're going to get bad we should restrain her before that becomes impossible."

"Ok well then lets stick with that plan until we can think of a better one. We're gonna have to inform the crew about this ya know." Mal said.

"I know. River asked if we could give her until tomorrow morning so she can talk to Jack about all this first." Simon answered.

Mal hadn't considered how River's husband might feel about all this, but it did seem like it was going to be a problem. He started to walk away and then stopped and turned back to Simon.

"So is your sis doin ok with all this?" He asked.

"Captain she remembers everything from before I started giving her the medicine, she knows that in a few short days she's going to be insane again. Plus she has to try and explain all this to her husband, who doesn't have a clue about any of it." Simon spat angrily.

"I guess when you put it like that, she's probably not doin ok huh?" Mal replied feeling stupid. He was good at a lot of things but people's emotions were not one of them. "So where's she at?" he asked.

"The last time I saw her she was heading up to the river to get more water." Simon replied and headed into the ship, probably to check on his wife.

Mal walked through the woods towards the area where they had found a large slow river, which provided them with as much fresh water as they could ever need. He stopped at the bank and looked around but didn't see his pilot anywhere, he scanned the ground for her footprints but saw none of those either.

"What are you looking for Captain?" Mal let out a very unmanly shriek and spun around but still didn't see his pilot anywhere.

"Up here." Mal glanced above his head to see River sitting in the tree above his head.

"What are you doing up there lil albatross?" he asked. River smiled a little when Mal used her old nickname, he hadn't called her that in a long time.

"Just thinking." She replied after a minute.

"Ok well do ya really think you should be climbing trees with all those cuts you got on ya? If you rip one open your brothers gonna be mad." Mal said and watched as River gracefully swung down onto the ground and landed gently beside him.

"Did Simon send you to talk to me?" she asked.

"No just thought maybe you could use someone to talk to about now." He replied. She didn't answer him and they both stood looking out into the forest for a few minutes in silence. He finally cleared his throat and asked, "You tell Jack yet?"

"No he's still trying to get power to the ship. He's supposed to meet me down here in a little while." She answered. Mal didn't think she was going to say anything else, but after a moment she sighed and continued.

"I don't know how I'm supposed to tell him. I knew I'd always have to at some point, but I didn't think it would be because he was going to see what I'm really like. I never wanted him to see me like that. He's going to hate me." She said and whimpered a little as she fought back a sob.

Mal wasn't used to seeing River cry, ever since she had started the medication she was much more guarded with her feelings. He put out a hand and touched her shoulder forcing her to turn so that she was looking at him.

"Now I'm not gonna claim to be an expert in love, I'm far from that darlin but seems to me Jack really loves you and if someone really loves another person they can forgive them just about anything."

River smiled and wiped the tears from her eyes. "I hope you're right because he's on his way down here now." She said. Mal looked around and didn't see his new mechanic anywhere, but River had that far off look in her eyes that she got when she was reading someone so he figured she was probably right.

"Well I'll head off and let you have some privacy, just remember that he loves ya and you love him. That's more important than anything else." He gave her shoulder another squeeze and headed off up the trail they had already begun to wear from the ship to the water.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Jack swore under his breath and threw down the wrench he'd been using. He and Kaylee had been working almost non-stop on the engines since they had crashed, but no matter what they tried it didn't seem like they would be getting power back to Serenity anytime soon. He stood up and stretched trying to work the knots out of his back and then remembered that he had promised to meet River down by the water almost an hour ago. Just as he left the ruins of the ship he saw Mal walking towards him from the direction of the river.

"Hey Captain you seen my wife out there? She told me to meet her up at the crick had to talk to me bout somethin important." Jack asked with a friendly smile.

"Yep just saw her out there." Mal replied and entered the ship.

Jack walked towards the river whistling as he went. Like always his breath caught a little in his throat when he saw her. She was standing on the bank of the water wearing a white lacy dress, it and her hair were both blowing in the breeze and she looked so damn beautiful.

"Zhen ta ma piaoliang! Fancy meetin you here darlin." He said as he walked up and gave her a kiss. She smiled when he said that but her face looked sad and it appeared that she'd been crying.

"River baby, what's wrong? I mean besides the fact we're all marooned on some gorram moon in the middle of nowhere. Its gonna be ok love." He said and wrapped her in a hug.

"No it's not going to be ok." She replied and pulled away from him. "I have to tell you something and it's going to be difficult but you have to know."

"Whatever it is just tell me, we'll figure it out." He replied.

"When I tell you this just listen all right, you're going to have a lot of questions but just let me get it all out please. It's going to be too hard otherwise." She said. He nodded and took a deep breath but didn't reply. River turned so that she was looking out into the wilderness instead of at him.

"Jack you know I'm smart, I mean you've seen that. But I'm a lot smarter than I've ever let you see. I'm not saying that to brag, you just need to know everything. When I was little I was very advanced for my age, I didn't fit in, kids didn't like me, really the only friend I ever had was Simon. The year I turned fourteen I started the graduate program in Gen Ed but even then I was still ahead of everyone in the program. My family was given an offer to let me start at an Alliance sponsored academy, one that was made for kids just like me. We went and toured the school and it was exactly what I needed. The program was very advanced, even for me and I would get to be in school with other kids my own age, who were also gifted. They even had a dance program. I was so excited to start the program, but when I got there things weren't like I thought they would be. They asked a lot of strange questions about my childhood, my dreams, things that were really personal. I also thought that maybe they were drugging the food. I started to lose track of time, one minute I'd be in class and the next thing I knew I was in bed that night. I-I don't know how to say this without sounding like I'm insane so I'm just going to tell you. The academy was a training facility for the government, they were taking gifted students and turning them into people they could use; spies, assassins, psychics."

Jack made a noise at this point and looked like he was going to interrupt her, but then remembered what she had said and allowed her to continue.

"Other than being smart I've always had this… ability. I just knew certain things without anyone telling me. I always knew what presents I was getting for my birthday and Christmas, I could tell who was calling on the Com system or who was at the door before it was answered. I knew which girls Simon had a crush on, he used to get so mad at me when…"

She laughed at the memory and then stopped mid-sentence and shook her head.

"Anyway the Alliance knew about this and that's why they wanted me. They did the first surgery after I'd been there for three months. I don't remember a lot. One minute I was in bed going to sleep and the next I woke up in a hospital room. I never knew what they were doing, I would just wake up in pain and they'd tell me it was for my own good to help me reach my full potential. It was after the first surgery that my thinking began to change. I started hearing voices in my head, knowing what people were thinking and feeling. I didn't know I was reading minds I thought I was insane. After two years of surgeries and testing I was barely hanging on to my sanity. I couldn't sleep for more than a few minutes at a time because of the constant voices running through my head. But even then I was still me, you know? I knew where I was and who I was. But then the Academy decided to show me off to the Alliance. I was the prodigy of their program; their biggest success and they wanted to show the bosses just what their money was paying for. I remember them bringing me into a room with a one-way mirror in it. I didn't do much just guessed some shapes on cards that a nurse was holding up. But no one considered the fact that I might be able to read the Parliament members on the other side of the glass. It was that day that I found out about Miranda. That secret was the last straw and it broke my mind. After that I don't remember clearly much more of my time at the Academy." River stopped for a moment and took a deep breath and shook her head like she was trying to get rid of the memories inside of it.

"In addition to the experiments and surgeries they did on me mentally they also trained me physically. I took classes in hand to hand combat, weapons training, pain and torture management, anything that they could think of to turn me into a living weapon they did." River continued looking straight down at the ground now. Jack could see tears dripping off the end of her nose and into the dirt at her feet.

"I was only there for a month before I called my parents and asked them to come get me, but they just thought I was having trouble fitting in and missing my brother and they told me I had to give it at least six months. After that the Academy didn't let me make any more calls. They read all the letters I sent before they were mailed and threw away the ones that they didn't want seen. I also tried to escape a few times; which I probably could have done if they hadn't been keeping me so drugged up all the time. Finally I came up with a code something to put into the letters that I knew Simon would find and he did, it took him three years and he had to give up all of his funds as well as his career but he managed to break me out of the Academy. He put me into cryo. and we got onboard Serenity, we've been living here ever since. We can't go back to the Core because we're both fugitives." River took a deep breath and turned to look at her husband.

"I know I should have told you about all this before now, I'm sorry I lied, I just didn't know how to tell you that you married a freak."

Jack stared at her for a few moments and then took a deep breath and replied. "I don't know if I believe all this, I mean you're telling me that you're a psychic assassin or something?"

River nodded her head and Jack laughed a little bit. "But psychics aren't real, I mean nobody can read another person's mind."

"I can." She replied quietly.

"If you can read minds what am I thinkin about right now?" He asked.

She stood still for a minute with her head cocked to the side like she was listening to something and then replied, "You're thinking about the stuffed bear you had when you were little named Binky and how Jayne threw it out the window of a train while you both were on the way to visit your grandma. You're also thinking that I'm playing a really weird joke on you."

Jack jumped back and looked like he had been slapped and then he shouted, "Zhen ta ma jue! You you can read minds! What… I mean have you been doin that to me the whole time I've known you? You always know what I'm thinking? How could you not tell me about this?"

His face had grown bright red and he was pacing back and forth along the bank of the stream. He wanted to keep yelling at River, but when he saw the look in her eyes and the tears streaming down her face he couldn't be angry anymore.

"I'm sorry Jack I know I should have told you, everyone told me to tell you, but I just didn't think you could love me if you knew what I really am." She whispered in a shaky voice.

"I just don't like the idea that you've always known what I was thinkin' if I had known about it maybe I would have watched what I thought." He said in a quieter voice.

"That's exactly why I didn't want you to know, everyone else is always on edge around me they think exactly the thoughts that they don't want me to know, they can't help it and then they're angry when they find out I know. With you it was different you loved me without any restraint or barriers, I just didn't want to lose that." She replied. "Also you are very difficult to read, unless I'm really trying or you're thinking really loudly I never know what you're thinking."

"Well I guess that makes me feel a little better, wait why am I hard to read is my brain messed up or somethin?" He asked concerned.

"No some people just guard their thoughts subconsciously without ever knowing that they do it. The Captain is the same way and Simon has learned how to do it."

"Ok so my wife can read minds, that is going to take some time for me to wrap my head around. What about this other stuff, training and weapons, I mean I know you can handle yourself in a fight, I just always figured you took karate lessons as a kid or something."

River smiled a little at that and Jack was again reminded of why he loved her so much.

"Now that you know I guess that means I can stop holding back when a job goes south huh?" she asked.

"You've been holding back?! Damn I bet you could even take Jayne on." He replied.

"I already have, I wouldn't bring that up with your brother if I were you, he doesn't like to talk about it." She said with a laugh.

"Why did you kick his ass or something?" River didn't reply but the look in her eyes confirmed it.

"You know all this stuff is making me a little afraid to be married to you. You can read minds and beat me up, that's a little intimidating to a guy's ego." Jack said. He meant it as a joke, but River suddenly looked afraid.

"Hey honey I meant that as a joke, like I said its gonna take me awhile to get used to all this, but its kinda shiny havin a wife who's a superhero." He added and hugged her to him.

"Jack, there's more that I have to tell you, the reason why I decided to tell you this in the first place." River said again in that voice that Jack was beginning to dread.

"Ok darlin whatever else you gotta tell me just get it over with." Jack said.

"The shots Simon has been giving me, I told you they were for epilepsy, but they're not. The surgeries that the Alliance did stripped something in my brain, it's what makes me able to read minds but without the medicine I can't control it. The chemicals act like an artificial barrier in my mind. They let me control who I read and when I read. Without the medicine I hear everything. The medicine got broken during the crash, Simon gave me the last injection this morning." River stopped talking and waited for Jack to reply.

"Honey I'm not as smart as you are, can you just spell it out for me?" Jack said not getting why her reading everything was so bad.

"Before Simon got the medicine correct I wasn't stable. When I read everything I can't tell what's real and what's not. I see things and hear things coming from people that they aren't saying, but I can't tell that it's just their thoughts. To me it all becomes real." River took a deep breath and struggled to find a way to make him understand what she was trying to show him without having to actually use the words insane or crazy.

"Without the medicine I hear everyone's thoughts on the ship all at once at different volumes. I also feel everything everyone else is feeling. You have no idea how confusing it is to have the entire crew's thoughts and feelings running around in my head at once. Someone will be sad and someone else will be happy and I can't tell who is feeling what, but I feel all of it at the same time. I can't turn it off or get away from it, it well it makes me…not right." She stammered.

"So it makes you crazy?" He asked innocently. She rolled her eyes, somewhat relieved to have that word out in the open.

"Well that's what you're brother likes to call me and yes crazy would be a good word for it. It manifests as paranoid schizophrenia and can sometimes cause a delusional state which mirrors…"

Jack cut her off then, "Honey I don't need all the technical stuff I get it. You're telling me that without this medicine you're gonna start seeing and hearing things that aren't there or are only in people's heads and its gonna make you crazy?"

"Yes, that's what I'm trying to tell you." River replied.

"So how long do we have before you're all crazy?" Jack asked.

"You know I really hate the term crazy, but we probably have two maybe three days, it'll be gradual as the medicine leaves my system I'll be able to control my reading less and less. Look you have to understand its not just that I act unbalanced I might become dangerous. I could hurt someone. I don't want to but I don't know if I'll be able to stop myself and if I get to that point there is no one on the ship that could stop me; Mal, Zoe, and Jayne couldn't take me down, unless one of them shoots me."

"No, I refuse to believe that my wife just told me that in a few short days the Captain who she looks up to like a father may have to shoot her to keep her from killing people." Jack took a few steps back from River and shook his head.

"You might not want to believe it but it could happen. You need to be prepared for how bad this could get. I won't be the same River you know." River said regretfully.

Jack walked away from her then and stared out into the forest the way she had done when she told him her story. He stayed that way for over ten minutes as River waited patiently behind him, giving him the space and time he needed to sort through everything. Finally he let out a long sigh and turned to his wife.

"I can't say I'm happy you didn't tell me about all of this before now, but I can understand why you didn't. If I had known it would have changed the way I looked at you and maybe things wouldn't have worked out for us the way they did and the one thing I can never regret is being married to you. So I guess we'll just have to pay attention to our vows, huh? I mean they do say for better or for worse and we've had a lot of the better so if we have to go through some of the worse I think we can do it."

River let out a huge breath and ran to her husband to give him a kiss.

"I'm sorry I lied, I won't do it again. Thank you for being so good about all this. I knew when I decided to marry you that you were a special man, but I had no idea just how wonderful you really are until right now." River said as she wiped away tears, this time of happiness.

"So in a few days you're not going to be like this anymore, you'll be different?" Jack asked and nuzzled his face into her hair.

"Yes I just told you that, why?" River asked.

"Well I just figure that if you're suddenly going to be not right in the head, maybe we should use every available opportunity we have until then." Jack said suggestively and lifted River's skirt up to caress her thigh. River squealed a little bit and jumped into her husband's arms causing him to fall over into the mud at the bank of the stream. They both laughed and began to kiss getting muddier and muddier by the minute.

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Translations

Zhen ta ma piaoliang- What a damn beauty

Zhen ta ma jue- That's incredible


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

An hour later Jack and River strolled back into the camp they had made around the remains of Serenity; they were holding hands and soaking wet. Kaylee was sitting next to the fire they had burning in the camp and smiled when she saw the two of them.

"Hey you two fall into the stream or something?" she teased.

"Or something." River replied. "Jack your clean shirts are hanging up on a branch right behind the port side."

"How did you know I wanted a clean…Oh yeah." He stammered and gazed at his wife.

"This mind reading thing is going to take awhile to get used to." he said and headed off in search of a clean shirt.

"So I take it ya told him about everything then huh?" Kaylee asked as they watched Jack walk off.

"Yes, I wish I had listened to all of you when you told me to do it sooner, he was so understanding about everything, I can't believe it." River said sitting down next to her sister-in-law.

"Well for a genius you can sure be kinda dumb sometimes, I mean he loves ya." Kaylee said and leaned her head onto River's arm. River put her arm around Kaylee and gave her a hug.

"What about you are you doing ok, the baby and everything?" River asked.

"We're both doin fine. Simons all kinds of worked up cause he don't have his equipment to check on me, but I feel fine and the baby's still kicking all the time, like right now for instance." She answered and groaned as she rubbed her stomach.

River smiled and put her hand on Kaylee's stomach to feel the small but strong kicks of her niece. She took a deep breath and concentrated on centering her mind on the baby's. Kaylee knew she was reading because of the faraway look River got on her face. After a few seconds River smiled and took her hand off Kaylee's stomach.

"The baby's doing fine, in fact I think she likes the fresh air here." River said and then realized her mistake and clapped a hand over her mouth.

"Wait did you just say she?" Kaylee asked excitedly. "I'm havin a girl?"

"Oh Kaylee I'm so sorry I didn't mean to give it away." River exclaimed and jumped up. Kaylee didn't seem to hear her apology though, she had her hand on her stomach and an enormous grin on her face.

"I really am so sorry Kaylee I know you wanted it to be a surprise and I ruined it." River continued. Kaylee looked up at River and gave her an even wider smile.

"River its ok, don't worry about it. I just found out I'm havin a little girl, how can I be upset about that? How long have you known it's a girl?"

"Since the day you got pregnant I knew it was going to be a girl, I also know what you're going to name her but I'm definitely not giving that away, I hope." She said and smiled.

Kaylee lost her smile at this point and struggled to get to her feet, River helped her up and Kaylee pulled her into a hug.

"It must be really hard knowin things all the time and not telling anyone so that you don't ruin things for them. That's a really big burden to carry with ya all the time." Kaylee said into River's hair as she hugged her tighter.

"Its not pleasant, but you know it isn't completely without its advantages. Sometimes its nice knowing things before they happen, I just wish I could control it better. I mean if I could maybe I could have kept us from getting stuck on this rock."

"Hey if it wasn't for you taking off when you did we would all be dead right now, so don't go blaming yourself, you didn't make us land here or cause the explosion." Kaylee replied and let River go.

"Come one lets go see what kind of trouble our husbands are getting themselves into." Kaylee said and again gave River a bright wide smile.

On the other side of the ship Jack found his shirts stretched out on a piece of wire that had been stretched between two trees. He had just finished changing when Simon walked up to him.

"So Jack did River um…talk to you yet?" Simon asked trying to sound casual but failing miserably.

"Don't worry Simon she told me everything Jack replied.

Simon stood uncomfortably behind the larger man for a minute before he said, "And are you two alright? I mean do you… are you mad at her?"

Jack turned and looked at his brother-in-law and gave him a sad look.

"You know part of me really wants to be mad at her for not telling me, but I love her and I know she had her reasons for keepin quiet. Plus I think part of me always knew that somethin going on."

"What do you mean part of you knew?" Simon asked.

"Just little things; she seemed to always know how I was feeling if I was upset she knew why before I even told her, and she's so damn good at fightin and with a gun, and then there's the nightmares." Jack said.

"What do you mean nightmares? She told me she wasn't having them any longer."

"I don't think she knows she's having nightmares, she never talks about them in the morning, but she tosses and turns almost every night; mutters stuff about hands of blue a lot. I never knew what any of it meant but seemed to me she was remembering something really bad." Jack explained to the worried doctor. "It musta been really bad in that Academy for her, right Doc?" He asked.

Simon thought for a minute and then answered, "She never really talks about the Academy at least not in specific detail, but yes from what I've gotten out of her over the last two years I'd say that they put her through just about every mental form of torture you can subject a human to. It seems like in order for them to make her psychic powers stronger they had to destroy the way her brain worked and forced it to work in a new way. I think they did that by breaking her mind as much as possible and then rebuilding it the way they wanted. Unfortunately for her they weren't as good at that as they'd hoped they'd be. When I snuck her out of the hospital the doctor in charge of her case told me that they had known the neural stripping would cause schizophrenia but they did it anyway. River wasn't just a student; she was their success, their prodigy and anything they had to do to make her more powerful they did, no matter what the cost to her. The drugs I have her on have replaced those broken portions of her brain and now without it, well in a few days you'll see just how badly they did break her." Simon turned and left and Jack thought about how Simon was able to always make the situation seem worse than it usually was.

The next three days were surprisingly pleasant for the crew. Although they were stuck on a moon without rescue in sight they were planet side for the first time in months and between Jayne, Mal, Zoe, and River's skills with a gun they actually had fresh deer meat to eat. The wreck of the ship began to take on the look of a camp and lucky for them it was summer on the moon so they weren't cold even at night.

Kaylee and Jack continued to work on rebuilding the engine, but several key parts had been completely blown up and it didn't look like they were going to be able to get Serenity powered up with what they had.

Jack watched his wife carefully everyday waiting for some sign that she was going insane, but so far she seemed to be the same smart and funny River he had always known. He began to think that the warnings of the crew were exaggerated or perhaps her brain had healed itself in the time since she'd started the medication.

Now that he knew her secret he was beginning to see sides to her that she had previously kept hidden. Once Jayne found out that Jack knew about her he made sure to pull him aside and show him the long scar running down his chest, which Jayne claimed was from a butcher knife River had attacked him with. Jack hadn't believed that story until River confirmed that it was true but said that she had good reason for what she did. Jack asked what the reason was, but River refused to tell him and said that he should ask his brother about his part in the Ariel job if he wanted to know. Jack had questioned Jayne about it, but he had claimed it was in the past and he didn't want to talk about it; he had then walked off to clean Vera, which had been his only gun to survive the crash because he had had her with them for the job.

The sixth night on the moon found everyone sitting around their campfire after dinner, everyone was enjoying being able to relax outside with actual fresh air.

Suddenly River stood up and glanced around frantically and shouted, "They said it had to look like and accident, rifts in the ground, seismic instability!" She then stopped and seemed to realize where she was and turned red with embarrassment. "I'm sorry I… I don't know." She trailed off not knowing how to explain. Everyone nodded understandingly except for Mal.

"Wait a minute what do you mean they said it had to look like an accident? You mean the explosion someone set that up on purpose? Who was it?" He asked and grabbed her shoulders to look into her face.

River looked pained and shook her head. "I'm sorry Captain I don't know, it just popped out of my mouth I don't know what it meant. If I figure anything out you'll be the first one I tell."

The Captain thought on this for a moment and then said, "Well you make sure and do that."

River walked away to the edge of the camp and turned so that she was facing away from everyone.

Jack walked up behind her and put a hand comfortingly on her shoulder. "So is that what you meant? Is it starting?" He asked.

River sighed and leaned into her husband so that his arms could wrap around her.

"Yes I think maybe it is." She said quietly.

"Well that wasn't so bad." He added brightly.

"It's going to get worse." She replied and walked away towards Serenity.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The next morning Jack woke up to find his wife curled up in a ball on the end of the bed. He put his hand onto her back and noticed that it was cold and clammy and she was shaking.

"Hon you ok?" He asked. River didn't say anything but responded by suddenly vomiting over the edge of their bed.

"Bao-bei, stay here I'm gonna go get Simon." Jack said as he hurriedly put on some clothes and left to find the doctor. Simon came in a few minutes later carrying his medical bag, which contained the only medical supplies they had left. River was still curled into a ball shaking.

"Mei-mei what's wrong?" He asked as he leaned over to examine her. River simply shook her head back and forth but didn't answer and then started to vomit again. Simon took her vitals and then stood back for a minute to think. He suddenly smacked his hand to his forehead and muttered to himself.

"Doc you figure out what's wrong with my wife?" Jack asked concerned.

"Its withdrawal. I didn't even think about this before now, but her body is used to the drugs and now without them she's going through withdrawal."

"So what exactly does that mean?" Jack asked.

"Withdrawal is when the body is suddenly forced to go without a substance it is accustomed to getting. The symptoms are usually shaking, chills, hot flashes, headaches and nausea. There's not a lot we can do about it here. I can give her a smoother if it gets really bad, but I really want to save those, who knows what else is going to happen we may need them later. It only lasts for a few days, but until the drug is completely out of her system it isn't going to be pleasant. Plus I haven't read any research on withdrawal from the specific drug that River has been on so I can't really say for sure what will happen. The next few days are going to be really hard I would guess but it should begin to ease off once her body adapts to the lack of chemicals. Of course by then she won't have the benefits either so I can't say what exactly she's going to be like once this is over." Simon said. He checked her vitals once more and then stood up to leave. "Try and make sure she gets some fluids into her and keep an eye on her temperature. I'll come in every few hours to check on her."

Jack looked down at the small form of his wife curled up on the bed; she was chalk white and still shaking badly. He nodded at the doctor's instructions and then lay down on the bed with River. "Don't worry I'll take care of her." He said distractedly all of his attention was focused on his wife.

For the next two days Jack did nothing but care for River, she couldn't keep anything down and her already small frame became even skinnier. She was delirious most of the time and what she did say made little or no sense to Jack. He wasn't sure if her mutterings were caused by the withdrawal or if she had lost her mind like everyone had predicted.

Finally on the night of the third day since the beginning of the withdrawal River stopped shaking and was able to drink water without vomiting and then fell into the first deep sleep she'd had in almost four nights. Simon came into examine her and informed Jack that he believed the worst of the withdrawals were over. Jack sighed with relief and brushed River's hair away from her face. He fell asleep that night holding his wife, but was awakened a few hours later by River screaming.

"What the hell?" he shouted still half asleep. He frantically glanced around but couldn't see his wife anywhere. After his eyes adjusted to the dark he was able to make out her small form huddled in the corner of their room, she had her knees pulled up to her chest and her hands pressed over her ears, her eyes were wide open and she looked terrified. He climbed quickly out of bed, pulled on a pair of pants, and moved over to her.

"River bao-bei what's wrong?" He asked. He reached out to put his arms around River but she whimpered and pulled out of his reach. "Ok baby its going to be ok, can you just tell me what's wrong?" He asked gently. Her eyes were darting around the room and her breath was coming in shaky gasps. She whispered under her breath so quietly so that even though Jack was sitting right next to her he didn't hear what she said.

"What bao-bei. I didn't catch that."

"Everything is fractal in nature. Patterns repeating and the math can be quantified. Can't quantify the thoughts, not of nature outside of understanding. Too loud!" River muttered still covering her ears like she was hearing a loud noise.

"River look at me, its Jack remember me? I'm right here ok?" Jack said trying to reassure her. River looked up suddenly and gave him an annoyed look and for a minute he saw his wife in her eyes, but then her eyes clouded over and she began screaming over and over.

"River please baby just tell me what's wrong!" Suddenly the lights in their cabin turned on and Simon stood in the doorway.

"She just started screaming Simon, I don't know what happened we were sleeping, nothing happened to set her off." Jack explained.

"She's a reader Jack, she's constantly hearing and feeling even in her sleep." Simon said and moved over to kneel next to his sister.

"Mei-mei, hey I'm right here, try and take a deep breath and focus on me ok?" Simon said quietly. River didn't seem to hear him, but after a few seconds she began to calm down and breath steadier. Finally she looked up at her brother, tears were flowing down her cheeks and her hands were shaking.

"Simon, I forgot." She simply said.

"Forgot what mei-mei?"

"How loud it is, pushing in my head, everything is so quiet and loud at the same time. It's too much for me to hold inside, feel like I'm going to explode. How could I forget? Please make it go away Simon." River said sounding so desperate that Jack felt like his heart was breaking.

"I'm sorry mei-mei I can't, you're going to have to be strong for awhile ok. We're all here for you."

"Everyone is here, in me, not my own mind anymore belongs to everyone and I can't sort through the pieces." River interrupted. River began to cry and bang her head into the wall behind her. Jack couldn't stand seeing his wife so scared and looking so lost. He pushed Simon to the side and cupped River's face in his hands.

"River look at me my love. Concentrate on me, just me. You can do it I know you can." Jack said. River's large brown eyes stared into Jack's blue ones; she stared and stared at him without blinking and he didn't dare move or blink. After a few minutes River's eyes began to droop and soon she had fallen asleep. Jack picked her up once again shocked by how light she felt in his arms and put her into their bed and covered her up. He then followed Simon out into the hall. Simon sighed and leaned back against the wall and rubbed his temples with one hand like he had a headache.

"I thought I was done with this you know?" He said more to himself than to Jack. "I thought I was done watching her fall apart. I don't know if I can do this again, continually pick up the pieces of her shattered mind." Simon looked so disheartened and sad that it gave Jack some kind of an understanding for what Simon must have gone through before he had made River sane.

"Well you know she has a husband this time, you don't have to do this alone anymore. I'll take care of her." Jack said defensively.

"Jack I know you want to take care of her but you have no idea what this is going to get like. Not only have I've done this before but I've also gone through training in dealing with mentally unstable patients. You're going to need help with this."

"I know that Simon and I hope you don't think that I'm saying what you did with her before wasn't hard or noble of you. I just want you to know that this time there is one other person on this boat who loves River every bit as much as you do. The rest of the crew care for her too, we'll all manage to get through this." Jack said.

Simon continued to rub his temples and then sighed and looked pointedly at Jack. "I'm sure you mean every word of that Jack and as worried as I was when you first got together with my sister, I know you love her. But what if we're stuck here for six months or a year? The beautiful smart wife you married is now a scarred mentally broken girl who can't make sense between reality, thoughts, and fantasy. Are you willing to be tied to a wife who may never be able be close to you again because every time you are you end up hurting her with your thoughts and feelings? I know you didn't ask for any of this so if you do decide you can't handle it, I'll understand. I just want you to know that."

Jack gave Simon a sharp look and leaned in closer to the doctor's face. "Simon I married your sister, I said my vows before my family and God, I won't go back on them, ever. And besides that I love my wife more than anything in the verse. I don't care if she's never the same River again; she's still my River no matter who she is. I won't ever quit on her and I'd appreciate it if you would stop that manner of thinking all together cause I ain't that kind of man."

Simon's eyes grew wider and then he smiled and said, "You're right I'm sorry I shouldn't have suggested you might walk out on her, it's just I know how she can get and what it takes to take care of her. It's exhausting and this time I don't even have any smoothers or tranquilizers for the times when things get really bad. Plus Kaylee's due to have the baby in three weeks, it's just hard to deal with all this right now."

Jack clapped Simon on the shoulder and turned to reenter his bunk, "It will work out Simon, River is stronger than you think, she can do this and I'll be here to carry her through if I have to."

"Jack thanks for being so understanding about this, I know it's a very difficult situation and I admire you for being so willing to stand by her." Simon smiled at him then and walked down the hall to enter his own bunk.

In the morning Jack woke to find River smiling down into his face, when she noticed he was awake she gave him a kiss.

"Hey bao-bei how ya doin this morning," he asked trying to sound casual. She didn't answer right away but cocked her head to the side and stared off into space.

"Its quiet this morning, everyone's still sleeping, most dreams are pleasant except for the Captain's his sleeping mind always returns to the Valley." Jack thought for a moment to process what his wife was telling him.

"So wait you know what people are dreaming about too?" He asked amazed.

"Dreams are simply thoughts of the brain thrown into random order with no respect for order or physics." She replied in way of an answer. Jack wasn't really sure exactly what she was saying, but she wasn't screaming anymore so he decided to just be happy about that.

River moved her hand up his naked chest and began to kiss him longer and deeper, and then she shifted her body so that she was straddling her husband. For a few minutes Jack was completely absorbed in his wife but then his thoughts returned to the night before and he gently pushed her back from him.

"River I don't know if this is such a good idea." He whispered. River stared at him with her large brown eyes round and questioning.

"Copulation between a man and a woman is the natural order of things and we were wed in a proper church, so why should there be a conflict about this?" She asked.

"I just…" Jack didn't know how to state this, "I just don't know if its still the same you in there now and I don't want to take advantage of you when you aren't clear about what you're doing." Jack finished uncomfortably.

"She's still the same woman, the brain thought process has changed, sped up, become more tangled. She gets confused sometimes, but she's still River and Jack is still Jack. The problem is merely psychological." River responded and began kissing him again.

Jack thought if he was a stronger man maybe he would have refused her again, but she was so damn beautiful and she did have a point, she was still his wife and from what he had heard of her physical abilities if she didn't want to be touched she wouldn't let anyone do it.

A few hours later Jack found Simon and Kaylee in the kitchen, she was lying on the table, which had become Simon's makeshift exam table and he was listening to her belly with a stethoscope, one of the few pieces of medical equipment he had remaining.

"Oh sorry didn't mean to interrupt." Jack said when they turned and saw him.

"No Jack it's fine come on in." Kaylee said in her continually cheery voice.

"I was just checking the baby's heartbeat and everything sounds perfect. I think you're going to be an uncle really soon." Simon informed Jack with a proud smile.

"That's great you two, just hope we get picked up off this rock before my niece or nephew decides to make his or her appearance." Jack replied. The soon to be parents both nodded at his words, identical worried looks flashing across their faces.

Kaylee shook her head, smiled, and said, "Speaking of which I should probably tell you something Simon and you to Jack since you're the uncle. That is if ya both want to know, but I know if it's a boy or a girl."

Simon looked confused for a minute and then stammered, "How could you possible know that? The baby was never turned the right way in any of the scans I did, I couldn't figure it out even if I had been trying."

Kaylee loved seeing her husband who was just so smart look so confused. She smiled and winked at Simon, "Well you are the one who has a psychic for a sister."

"Wait River knew and she told you? Why would she tell you? She knew we wanted it to be a surprise." Simon said sounding a little angry.

"Oh don't be mad at her Simon she didn't mean to give it away, it just slipped out accidentally. Oh and she's also known since the day I got pregnant and kept it a secret for this long, so can you really be angry for that? She also knows what we're going to name her." Kaylee replied.

"She knows what we're going to name her? But we haven't even started thinking about names yet… wait did you say she? We're having a girl?" Simon broke into a wide grin and grabbed his wife into a tight hug.

Jack smiled at the couple as they hugged; he started thinking about how much he wished could have his own child with River someday. This thought brought his mind back to their current situation and the smile evaporated from his face. When he turned and left the room Simon and Kaylee didn't notice and he was able to slip quietly to the remains of the engine room.

Kaylee joined him almost an hour later and began to fiddle with some of the equipment, but when she began to lie down on the ground Jack stopped her.

"Kaylee you're due to have a baby any day now. Go rest. You know as well as I do that nothing we can do in here is gonna get Serenity off the ground, take it easy ok?" Jack said as he helped pull his sister in law back up to her feet.

"You sure Jack, I mean the Captain wants us in here just in case we might be able to get her goin." Kaylee responded.

"We both know how likely the chances of that are. I'll stay and keep working like the Captain wants, but there's no reason you should be stuck in here with me."

"Well what about River don't you need to keep an eye on her?" Kaylee asked.

"No she wanted to be left alone, she said it was easier to think away from everyone. Least I think that's what she said."

Kaylee smiled and nodded in sympathy. "Yeah I know what you mean it's really hard to understand what she's saying sometimes. I promise it gets easier the longer you hear it. So are you really sure you don't mind workin alone?" Jack nodded already absorbed in the engine.

"All right if you're sure, taking a walk in the trees does sound kinda nice." Kaylee said and left the room humming.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

"Morning mei-mei how are you today?" Simon asked as he found his sister laying on a large rock near the river. When River turned around Simon saw that she was crying.

"Hey River what's the matter?" Simon asked and climbed up to sit next to her on the rock.

"You know you can talk to me about anything right? Maybe if you tell me why you're crying you'll feel better." Simon prodded.

"It's a conflict. She must tell but telling will be painful. She shouldn't have kept the secret for so long, but wants to go on keeping it anyway." River said quietly.

"Well what secret is that? You can tell me."

"You'll be angry and scared. But you're the father, you have to know." River continued.

"Wait is the secret about the baby? Is something wrong with her?" Simon asked immediately concerned.

River didn't answer but leaned her head to the side and got the far off look on her face that she always had when she was reading. A minute later under her breath she muttered, "She knows."

"River please if some things wrong with the baby you have to tell me what it is." Simon said sounding desperate.

"River reads the baby." River simply said as way of an explanation.

Simon groaned in frustration. "I know you read her River that's not a secret, tell me what the secret is."

"River reads the baby and the baby reads her back." River said.

Simon thought about this for a moment before it really sunk in. "Wait are you telling me that the baby is a reader like you? She can do what you do?"

River nodded her head and replied, "It's the genes, Simon and River both have them, Simon passed them to his offspring. It's carried on the X chromosome stronger in females than in males. You think I'm the only one, but he reads and doesn't know it."

Simon tried to let this sink in, but it was too much. He kept picturing his daughter broken like River; being in constant pain because of people's thoughts, screaming from the nightmares of others, and speaking in frustrated riddles desperately trying to be understood but so rarely having it happen.

"Don't worry, you think she'll be broken like River, but she won't be. The hands of blue won't find her, her parents won't let that happen, they love her too much."

Simon heard the sadness in River's voice and knew that she wished her parents had protected her like Simon knew he and Kaylee would do for their child. A fresh wave of anger towards his parents passed over Simon and he saw River stiffen and turn away from him, he took a deep breath and tried to calm the emotions that he knew were hurting his sister. Simon tried to hug River but she pulled away, he then remembered how she had rarely let anyone touch her before the medicine. They sat quietly for a few minutes both lost in thought when suddenly something occurred to Simon and he sat up quickly.

"Wait what did you mean when you said he reads and doesn't know it? You mean me? I'm not a reader; I've never been able to do that. I never know what anyone is thinking or feeling."

"Simon reads, but doesn't want to so he pretends. He goes against instinct to appear normal, probably would be happier if he didn't." River stared up into the blue sky and didn't seem concerned at all with the fact that her brother was psychic.

Simon had no clue what to think of that, he honestly couldn't think of any instance when he had ever read anyone. "River I know you're usually right about this stuff, but I don't think I'm a reader. I mean wouldn't I have shown some sign of that by now?"

River gave Simon a condescending smile and smacked him gently on the arm.

"Simon you are such a boob! You lie to yourself. Dr. Connors knew. You were her student and she pulled you into the hall one day and said, 'Simon you have a gift, you are the most promising intern I've ever had under my direction. Your skills in surgery are years ahead of where they should be. It almost seems precognitive the way you react to a patient's needs.'"

Simon looked over in shock at his sister and said, "That's why I'm a good surgeon? Because I read my patients?"

River stared at her brother in confusion. She couldn't understand why he would be upset about this. He had a natural gift that allowed him to help people in a way that most other doctors could never do. River shook her head and replied, "You're distress is not logical. You are able to see danger for your patients before it happens, you can make decisions that save people who should die but don't. Why is this upsetting?"

Simon thought for a moment, but honestly couldn't come up with an answer that actually made sense. Maybe it was just his pride thinking that his superior skills in surgery were all natural talent, but what was reading if not a natural talent?

"So I'm a reader too huh? How come you never told me before?" Simon asked.

"You didn't need to know before, but now she will read too and it will help if her father can share this with her." River said and began to rub her head like she had a headache.

"Umm…" Simon started to speak, but thought that with River's current mind state maybe his request wasn't the most appropriate.

River smiled widely though and clapped her hands.

"So now her brother wants her help to be like her. The irony is not lost on her." River said and laughed.

"Damn!" Simon thought, sometimes he really hated his sister knowing his thoughts.

"She knows you hate it, but can't be helped in the current situation." River said immensely enjoying his annoyance.

"Well we could go around like this all day, but since you got it out of my head I'll go ahead and just ask. Can you help me learn how to be a reader? Tell me what you do, maybe?" Simon asked feeling unbelievably uncomfortable. He had spent the past two years trying to fix her mind and now he wanted to make his more like hers. The irony wasn't lost on him either.

River sat up and looked straight into her brother's eyes and then leaned forward until their foreheads were pressed together. She stayed this way for a few seconds; sighed, pulled away, and lay back down.

"You have to let the thoughts in. Your mind is guarded and crowded with worry. Your own thoughts will always be louder than those of others, must learn to turn yours down." River explained.

"How am I supposed to do that?" Simon asked.

River gave him another exasperated expression and said, "Simon you must start saying what you think, especially when talking to someone who knows what you think. It is so frustrating when you think one thing but say another!"

"What do you mean? I wasn't thinking anything else." Simon denied.

"You think if you let your guard down and allow the thoughts of others in that it will be painful, make you crazy like your poor mei-mei." River said softly. Simon felt ashamed, but didn't try to deny what River said.

"Don't worry the blue hands didn't tear down your walls." River assured him acting like he should completely understand her meaning.

"What walls? I don't get it." Simon said.

"Reading is like climbing up a wall and looking into someone else's yard. You still have the wall to separate your yard from theirs. The blue hands tore down my wall, no more privacy, no way to stop the neighbors from coming over." River explained and this was one of the times when Simon actually understood her metaphor. He leaned over to hug his sister and this time she actually let him.

"Just try to calm the thoughts in your head, breath and try not to think." River instructed. Simon took a deep breath and tried to empty his mind of conscious thought. He and River were now sitting face to face on the rock with their legs crossed and Simon thought that the situation was like meditating.

"Don't think its like meditating, just meditate." River told him without opening her eyes. Simon took another deep breath and tried harder to empty his mind.

"Don't try either, just relax and let your mind open. Its not an action its a release." River replied

Simon sat for a few more minutes and finally began to relax when suddenly the image of the garden from his childhood home on Osiris popped into his mind with startling clarity. As soon as the image entered his mind a blinding red-hot pain pierced through his skull making him cry out and clutch his hands to his head.

"Hùnzhàng! Oww what the hell?" Simon yelled.

"It is painful when another's thoughts enter the mind." River said simply.

"I get that now, you could have warned me." Simon muttered.

"If you had known there was pain you would have concentrated on that. Wouldn't have worked."

"Does it always hurt like that when you read?" Simon asked suddenly much more concerned for his sister than he had been in a long time.

"One becomes acoustmed to it after practice, although it is never comfortable, foreign thoughts in the mind." River explained. "I was directing to you, it may have made it more unpleasant, but you just weren't getting it on your own."

"You really are a brat, you know that right?" Simon said in an exhasperated tone.

She nodded her head and smiled. "Maybe a brat, but she helps."

"So now what do I do? With reading I mean." Simon asked.

"Just try and keep your mind clear, don't think about it, it is instinct. Once your mind is open it will happen. Once you can get them you can choose what to hear." River explained.

"This is just weird me being a…" Simon started to say but stopped when River stood up quickly and looked around frantically.

She jumped down from the rock and landed gracefully. "We have to go!" She shouted and began running towards the ship.

Simon stood confused for a second until River looked over her shoulder and shouted one word back to him, "Kaylee!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Translations

Hunzhang: Son of a bitch

Mei-mei: little sister


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Simon sat on the rock, shocked for a moment. All he could hear was River's desperate shout of Kaylee's name ringing in his ears. After only a second he jumped down and followed his sister back towards Serenity.

He arrived out of breath and for a second he didn't see anything wrong. Just as he was thinking River had been upset for nothing he heard an ear splitting scream that he recognized as his wife's. He ran into the ship to find River holding up Kaylee in the kitchen as the rest of the crew ran in drawn by Kaylee's screams. Simon ran to his wife and picked her up and set her on the kitchen table, she grabbed onto his arm and dug her nails in.

"Simon it hurts, somethin's wrong!" She exclaimed and screamed again. It was then that Simon noticed the blood darkening the thighs of Kaylee's coveralls in a quickly spreading stain.

Simon swore under his breath and turned to the crew, "Someone go get my bag along with a pillow and blanket!" Jack ran off to get what Simon needed.

"Captain go get any clean towels we have and some soap and hot water." Simon said to Mal.

Mal turned to get what the doctor needed for once not upset about being ordered around on his own ship.

Kaylee had stopped screaming and Simon saw that she had lost consciousness. He tapped her face gently and said, "Kaylee bao-bei wake up. Come on I need you to open your eyes right now."

Kaylee however showed no signs of coming to and her face was growing steadily paler. Jack ran in then and thrust Simon's med-kit into his hands. Zoe took the pillow from Jack's other hand and positioned it under Kaylee's head as Simon began to pull her coveralls off. Once Kaylee's pants were removed everyone was shocked by the amount of blood covering her legs and the table.

"Doc you wanna tell us what's goin on?" Mal asked. Simon didn't look up and for a minute the Captain thought maybe he hadn't heard him.

Then he quietly said more to himself than the others, "She's hemmoraging and the baby's heart beat is low. I need to do a C-section immedieately."

Everyone drew a breath at the thought of Simon having to do surgery without any of his equipment or even an infirmary to do it in.

The silence was broken when River screamed and grabbed Simon's arm, "She can't breath Simon, you have to help her now!" Simon thought she was talking about Kaylee, but when he saw her chest rising and falling steadily he realized she was talking about the baby.

It was chaos in the room for the next few minutes as Simon shouted orders to Zoe and Mal as they helped him prep Kaylee for surgery. River continued to whimper and babble nonsensically helping to add to the chaos. Jack sat down on the floor with his wife and held her, hoping this would calm her, but it didn't seem to help.

Simon looked up a moment later and shouted, "Everyone be quiet!" The room again fell into silence as Simon began the incision on his wife. Even River managed to quiet her mutterings until they heard a baby's cry a minute later.

Everyone jumped up excitedly as Simon handed the tiny baby to Zoe who began cleaning her off with one of the clean towels they had brought to the galley. Simon glanced over at his daughter quickly and then turned back to his wife and continued to stitch her up.

Zoe cleaned up the little girl and felt only a moments sadness when she thought about Wash and the children she never got to have with him. River appeared at her side then in that quiet disconcerting way she had and reached out one hand to touch the top of the baby's head. She stayed that way for over a minute while she read the baby and the baby in turn settled down and stopped crying. River finally smiled and took her hand off the baby's head. Simon finished cleaning up Kaylee ten minutes later and after giving her the last of the sedatives to keep her quiet while she recovered he then walked eagerly over to where the crew was gathered around his daughter.

"Well Simon it looks like you have a healthy baby girl, she's really strong, breathing nice and steady." Zoe said and handed him the baby. Simon looked uncomfortable for only a moment holding such a tiny thing and then he became transfixed with his new child.

"Wow, she's real." He said and then realized how stupid that sounded.

"Whatdja think that Kaylee just got fat er somethin'?" Jayne replied sarcastically. Simon gave him a nasty look but didn't reply just continued to stare at his daughter.

"Is it ok to move Kaylee Doc?" Mal asked.

"It should be fine to move her while she's still sedated as long as we do it carefully so that we don't pull any stitches, because I'm completely out of thread, so don't anyone else go getting hurt ok?" Simon replied and smiled at the crew.

Mal and Jack carried the still unconscious Kaylee to her and Simon's bunk, while Simon followed behind carrying the baby. After the new family was settled in their room the rest of the crew left them alone so that they could have some privacy.

They all gathered around in the galley to begin cleaning up the blood from the floor and table. Everyone laughed at Jayne's pouting and grumbling about how babies don't belong on a gorram ship.

An hour later the crew was beginning to get drunk on the wine Kaylee had figured out how to make. They sat around the campfire outside laughing and talking, getting louder by the drink.

Simon sat in his bunk listening to the laughter of the rest of the crew outside. He couldn't seem to quit looking at his daughter. She was just so perfect, he could see Kaylee and himself in her features, but was surprised by how much she resembled River. Kaylee sighed in her sleep and began to move her head. Simon quickly got up and went to sit on the edge of the bed next to his wife. He was happy to find that her vitals were strong and in another few seconds her eyelids began to flutter.

"Hey how you feeling?" Simon asked quietly and smiled down at his wife. Kaylee looked around seeming confused to be in her bunk and not in the kitchen.

"Its ok, we're in our bunk, everythings fine." Simon explained.

"Is the baby ok?" Kaylee asked while reaching her hands down and finding her now much flatter stomach. Simon held the baby up so that Kaylee could see her.

"She's just fine, both of you are." He said delighting in the huge smile that lit up Kaylee's face as she saw her new daughter. Simon helped her to sit up more on the pillows and then placed the baby in her arms.

"Oh Simon, she's so perfect!" Kaylee exclaimed. "But she's so tiny are you sure she's ok?"

"She's doing fine, she's a few weeks early but her breathing is strong and so are her reflexes." Simon comforted his concerned wife.

"She looks like you so much." Kaylee commented as she ran one finger down her daughter's cheek.

"Actually she looks a lot like River when she was a baby." Simon said. "But look at that cute nose, she definitely got that from her mother." Kaylee tried to sit up more and cried out quietly in pain at the movement.

"Try and stay still bao-bei. I'm sorry I don't have any pain killers to give you, so you're just going to have to stay still until you heal some." Simon instructed and tried to help his wife become more comfortable. After he got her settled he stretched out on the bed beside her and watched as his wife began to feed their daughter. Simon knew he couldn't think of a more beautiful sight in the entire world.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Later that night while the new family was sleeping the rest of the crew were gathered around the campfire finishing the home made wine and laughing as they reminisced about times before Miranda. Jack and Jayne laughed loudly as Mal and Zoe recounted some of their stories from the war. Zoe then told the story of Mal and Wash being captured by Niska and their subsequent rescue, as well as Mal informing her that her husband thought the two of them should make love. Mal took it as a good sign that Zoe was beginning to tell stories about Wash again and was able to look back at their marriage with fond memories instead of just sadness. Jayne laughed loudly even though he had been there and had heard the story repeated many times since. Jack turned then to see if River was enjoying the story and was surprised to see that she wasn't sitting beside him.

"Did anyone see where River went?" He asked casually. The rest of the crew became serious very quickly and stood up to look for the missing girl. Jack wasn't overly concerned with her disappearance until he saw the looks on everyone's faces. He knew that they had been through much harder times with his wife than he had and their concern made him all the more scared.

"Zoe why don't you check in the ship, you know the places she used to like to hide in. Jayne and I'll scout around the camp and woods and Jack why don't you go check down by the river for her." Mal instructed comfortable in handing out orders quickly. Jayne picked up Vera and began to walk off into the woods.

"Jayne no guns!" Mal hollered after him causing Jack to turn around quickly.

"But Mal what if she's gone all crazy again? What if she's got a butcher knife with her?" He asked pointedly.

Jack walked up and grabbed his older brother by the shirt. Jayne had always been the larger and tougher of the two, Jack had always been quieter and less prone to violence. But seeing his brother headed into the woods with a gun to find his wife sent his blood boiling.

"What the gorram hell do you think you're doing? You're gonna shoot my wife?" Jack yelled into Jayne's face. Jayne immediately looked angry and grabbed his brother's arms and pried them off his shirt.

"I plan on protectin myself from someone who's tried to kill me twice!" Jayne yelled. Mal walked over and placed himself between the two brothers.

"Jayne ain't no reason to think River's dangerous right now. You don't need a gun, just go find her!" Mal ordered and pulled the gun from Jayne's hand. Jayne muttered to himself but turned and headed off into the darkness.

Jack had only walked ten feet or so before he heard Zoe yell, "I found her."

He turned back from the path and headed towards where he had heard Zoe shout from. He entered the ship and found Zoe kneeling on the floor in the cargo hold, or really what remained of the cargo hold. She was looking into one of the hidden holds that the bay was full of.

Zoe stood when she saw Jack and pointed into the hold, "She's in there."

Jack knelt down and looked into the darkened hole. For a minute he couldn't see anything, but he did hear her whimpering. Once his eyes adjusted to the dark he could see his wife in the back of the hold with her knees drawn up to her chest and her head down, her hair fell around her blocking any view of her face. Jack climbed into the hold and moved towards her but she jumped and scooted further back into the darkness. He slowed down his movements and stopped a few feet from her.

"River what's the matter?" He asked quietly. She didn't reply only continued to whimper and mutter under her breath. "Please bao-bei can you tell me whats going on?" He asked again.

"Not a child Jack." River finally said angrily.

"Huh?"

"You talk to her like she's a child, she's not." River said between sobs. Jack was thrown off by her speaking in the third person but decided to ignore it. He moved a little closer to her and she didn't pull away.

"I'm sorry I wasn't tryin to talk to you like a child. But why are you sitting in a dark hole crying?" He asked.

"Its quieter in here, she can hear her own thoughts in here." River offered as an explanation.

"Ok I get that I guess. But why are you crying?" He continued to prod. River took a deep breath and let it out and then looked at him sharply.

"She doesn't know how to get it out, no one will understand. Everyone will think River is crazy and forget what she said. Won't help anything." River said obviously frustrated.

"Did this happen a lot before? You would tell them something and no one would believe it? Just thought you were talkin crazy?" Jack asked beginning to understand her frustration. River looked surprised and nodded.

"Well hon I wasn't here before, so maybe you can give me a chance and I'll see if I can sort out what you're tryin to tell me." He said and wiped a tear off of her face. River relaxed suddenly and leaned against her husband and buried her face into the crook of his neck.

"It doesn't make sense, they're coming but there's nothing." River whispered into his ear.

He tried to process what she was saying, "So someone's coming? Are they gonna be able to help us?"

River shook her head violently back and forth. "They're coming, but they're nothing, just black." She seemed to be getting upset again, Jack ran his hand threw her hair and rocked her back and forth.

"Just black, so you mean you can't read them? I think that's what you're trying to say." River looked up at him hopefully and smiled slightly.

"Can't hear anything, she feels them, but feels nothing. It hurts." Jack hated how helpless he felt seeing her in pain and being able to do nothing for her.

"Is it people, are they coming in a ship? Or maybe they live here?" Jack questioned.

"She doesn't know! She's trying but there's nothing!" She shouted.

"Ok, its ok don't worry we'll figure it out." Jack said and gathered her tighter into his arms. After a few minutes her breathing was steadier and she had stopped crying.

"You ready to get outta this dusty hole? Maybe we should go see how our new niece is doin huh?" He asked.

River smiled at the mention of the baby and followed Jack as he crawled out of the hold. Mal, Zoe, and Jayne were standing in the cargo hold trying to look nonchalant when they climbed out. River gave the crew a smile and said to Jack, "They worry far too much." Then she ran off without another word.

"She ok Jack?" Mal asked.

"Yeah, but she said someone's coming." Jack replied. Everyone looked eagerly at him.

"Is it a ship?" Mal asked.

"She didn't know, she said someone was coming that she can feel them, but its nothing." Jack said. When he saw the confused looks on their faces he realized how frustrated River must feel.

"So what does that mean?" Jayne asked.

"I think it means that she knows someone is coming but she can't read them. She was really upset about it, she said it hurts." Jack answered.

"So someone's coming that River can't read? That's probably not good." Zoe said.

"Ok till we figure this out the four of us are gonna start standing watch, we'll take two hour shifts each at night and I want someone on watch during the day as well." Mal said.

"Sir maybe we should leave." Zoe said.

"Well we don't know for sure if someone really is coming or if they are how long it'll be till they get there. I don't want Kaylee havin to traipse through the forest after just havin surgery unless we absolutely have to." Mal said. They all nodded in agreement and went back outside, much more subded this time.

Jack followed River to Simon and Kaylee's room and found her standing in the doorway looking into the room. Simon and Kaylee were stretched out on the bed sleeping and the baby was laying in her bassinet next to the bed. River walked over to the bassinet and picked the baby up and quickly walked out of the room and down the hall to her and Jack's bunk. Jack followed quickly and found River sitting on the bed cradling her niece.

"Hon I don't know if we should take her outta their room, they might freak out if they wake up and she's gone." Jack said.

"They need their sleep and they can't sleep if she's crying." River replied.

"Yeah, but she ain't crying." As soon as the words left his mouth the baby began to wail loudly. River held her tighter and rocked her back and forth. She gave Jack and "I told you so" look and stood up.

"What's wrong with her?" Jack asked concerned.

"Babies cry sometimes." River told him simply and began to walk back and forth the length of their bunk bouncing the baby a little and began to sing her a lullaby. After only a few seconds the baby calmed down and fell asleep. River sat back down on the bed and patted the mattress beside her, motioning for Jack to sit beside her.

"She really is a prettly little thing isn't she." Jack said. Suddenly River deposited the little girl into his arms. Jack couldn't remember if he had held a baby before, but he definitely didn't feel comfortable doing it now.

"Wait River maybe you should hold her, I don't wanna hurt her or drop her or nothin." Jack said and tried to hand the baby back. River just smiled and kissed her husband.

"He's doing fine, she likes her new uncle." River said. "Besides he needs the practice."

Jack didn't process this information for a few seconds, but it suddenly occurred to him what she had said.

"Wait a minute why am I gonna need the practice, you been tellin me since we got together that you couldn't have kids. I thought it was impossible." Jack said.

"It was the medicine, kept her mind healthy but hurt her body." River replied.

"I know you ain't exactly yourself right now, but can you please try and explain this to me in regular speak?" Jack asked. River sighed and furrowed her brow.

"The medicine Simon gave me helped my brain, but it was hard on my body and would hurt a baby if I got pregnant." River said simply, but it seemed to have taken a lot out of her to put her thoughts together in a sentence that he could understand.

"Oh I get it, but honey, just cause you're off the medicine for right now doesn't mean we ain't gonna get off this rock soon and get you back on the meds. Do you really think us having a baby now is a good idea?" Jack asked.

"Too late." River said and smiled.

"What do you mean too late, we ain't even been together since we crashed." Jack said.

River raised her eyebrows and gave him a pointed look. "How quickly he forgets." She said and laughed.

"Forgets what… Oh this morning." Jack said understanding all of a sudden at the same time remebering that they hadn't used any of their usual precautions.

"Yeah, but still you can't know if you're pregnant already, can you?"

"Reader remember?" River said and pointed to her head.

"Are you sure, I mean we're really havin a baby?" Jack asked amazed.

"We are, are you mad?" River questioned her face clouding over. Jack looked down at the baby he was holding and thought about how it would feel if that were he and River's baby. His face broke into a large grin and he leaned over to kiss his wife.

"Well the timing might not be the best, but hell we're gonna have a baby, that's just about the best news I've heard in a long time." Jack gushed. River returned his smile and kiss but then looked concerned.

"She will have to stay off the medicine for the entire term of gestation." River told him.

He again took a second to process her way of speaking. "So you're gonna have to stay off the meds while you're pregnant right?" He asked hoping he had understood her correctly. She nodded her head and continued to look worried.

"Hey I mean we've made it through the last few days ok, we can do it for awhile longer. Plus I think you're kind fun like this, makes figuring out what you're talking about a challenge." Jack said and gave her a teasing smile.

"He's making fun of her?" She asked. "No ever laughs at her broken brain." Jack was worried that he had hurt her feelings until he saw the smile on her face.

"It's nice to know that you still see me under all this." She said sounding saner than she had in many days.

With that she stood up and took the baby out of his arms and headed back towards her brother's room. "She's going to be hungry soon, better return her to her mother." River laid the baby back down in her bassinet and left the room. They had only walked a few steps away from the room when the baby began to cry again.

The couple looked at each other and smiled as they headed towards their bunk to continue talking about their good news.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Two days later Kaylee felt well enough to get out of bed and join the crew outside for breakfast. She was walking carefully and still in a lot of pain but it was obvious from the smile on her face that Kaylee was unbelivably proud of her new baby and happy to be a mom.

"Well how's the new family doin this morning?" Mal asked.

Simon smiled and kissed his wife and Kaylee giggled before replying, "We're doin just fine. Isn't she just the prettiest baby you've ever seen?" Kaylee asked delighted with her new child.

"I'd say she is." Mal said and rose to give Kaylee a kiss on the top of her head. "Ya did good mei-mei." He said and returned to his breakfast. Kaylee sat down with Simon's help and then he left to go get breakfast for the both of them.

"So have you two thought up a name?" Zoe asked. Simon returned and sat down next to Kaylee and took the baby from her arms so that Kaylee could eat. Kaylee nodded and looked at the crew, "We'd like to introduce you to Samantha Lee Tam." She said excitedly. Everyone voiced their approval over the name choice and then settled into a comfortable silence as everyone began to eat breakfast. Kaylee noticed after a little while that Jack and River kept exchanging glances and small smiles.

"What's goin on with you two this morning? You ain't looked this happy since the day of your wedding." She asked leaning over so that only River could hear her.

River smiled serenily, "It can wait, this is your day, don't want to take away your thunder."

"River we're shipwrecked on a moon in the middle of nowhere, I think we could use all the good news we can get." Kaylee said.

River felt silly for a moment being worried about taking away from Kaylee's joy. Kaylee was never a person who needed everyone's attention or would ever be anything but happy for those she loved when they had good news.

"I'm still not sure if it's the appropriate time, plus Simon is going to be upset." River said. Simon's ears perked up at the sound of his name and he leaned over to the two women.

"What are you two whispering about over here?" He asked. River turned to look at Jack and they again shared a loving look.

"Well hon you think we should tell 'em?" Jack asked. River thought for only a second before she nodded excitedly.

"Me and River are gonna be havin a little one of our own." Jack said and grabbed River's hand. She smiled excitedly at her brother and sister-in-law, but then her face fell when she saw the look on Simon's face. Before he could even open his mouth to speak she burst into tears and ran away towards the river.

"Simon!" Kaylee shouted.

"What I didn't even say anything!" He said defending himself.

"Yeah but you were gonna say something and River knew it!" Kaylee replied giving her husband a scathing look.

"Well no offense Jack but do you really think this is the best time for you two to be having a baby?" Simon continued trying to turn the focus away from him and to Jack.

Mal, Zoe, and Jayne had become quiet and began listening in when River had gotten upset and run off.

"Somethin the matter there Doc?" Mal asked. Jack sighed realizing that the rest of the crew would probably react the way Simon had.

"Well Captain River and I were just tellin Simon and Kaylee that we're expectin a baby of our own." Jack answered.

Mal, Zoe, and Jayne stared at one another for a few seconds before Zoe looked at Jack and replied simply, "Well congratulations." Mal and Jayne continued to look uncertain but didn't say anything negative.

"I better go find River and make sure she's ok." Jack said and stood up.

"No Jack I think you should let Simon find her, he has some apologizing to do." Kaylee replied and grabbed the other mechanics hand to urge him back down to the ground.

"But I didn't even say anything!" Simon said again obviously frustrated.

"Well you were gonna say something mean and River knew it, that's just the same as sayin it out loud to her." Kaylee contined again giving her husband an admonishing glare.

"I can't help what I think, she should know that by now!" Simon whined and Kaylee just smiled, this was the same fight the siblings had been having since they came aboard Serenity.

"Maybe you can't help what ya think, but still River was so excited and you ruined it for her, I think that deserves an apology." Kaylee told him sounding a little more understanding this time.

Simon grumbled under his breath but stood up and walked off in the direction River had run.

He found her sitting on the same rock she had been on the day before when she had informed him that he too was a reader. Simon was taken back for a minute when he remembered their conversation from the previous day, he hadn't had much time to think about it, but suddenly he was reminded of the new complication in his life. As if to emphasize this thought he was suddenly struck by feelings of hurt and anger that were not his own. His head again filled with a sharp pain as the foreign feelings forced their way into his head.

"Sorry didn't mean to." River said from her place up on the rock.

Simon rubbed his temples and climbed up on the rock to sit next to his sister.

"That's alright, I'm sorry I made you feel like that." Simon said doing his best to make peace with her.

"She knew you'd be upset, but hoped that you would surprise her." River replied.

"I'm sorry mei-mei. I should try and be understanding. I just worry about you. I mean we're stuck here on this rock and I don't have my equipment or any medicine, I can't help you if something were to happen. Plus I worry about you being off your medicine. I assume that you're planning on staying off of it, even when we get rescued?"

"Until the baby is born, yes. You worry too much Simon."

Simon was surprised by the coherence of her sentence and thought process. Maybe she was doing better this time than before.

"She's had time to heal, won't ever be fixed but she's better." River explained clearly reading the thoughts in his head.

"So are you sure you're pregnant? I'm just worried that the medicine in your system will have affected the fetus." Simon explained.

"Didn't get pregnant till after the medicine was gone." River answered.

"Well that's only been a week, you can't possibly know if you're really pregnant already." Simon said somewhat hopeful that maybe she was mistaken.

"She knew you would name the baby Samantha the day Kaylee got pregnant, I wasn't wrong then, won't be now." River said giving him one of the annoying 'I'm so smart' looks that he loathed.

Simon sighed and rubbed his hands over his face, it had been an extremely long week.

River leaned over and put her head on Simon's shoulder. "Don't worry so much, she'll be fine." River said comfortingly.

"Who do you mean by she? You, Kaylee, Samantha?" Simon asked confused.

"All of the above." River replied with a smile.

"So I'm going to be an uncle? You know I guess that is pretty exciting when I think about it. Plus Samantha will have a cousin just about her age, it'll be good for her to have someone to play with on the ship." Simon said brightly, hoping she would forgive him for his earlier distress.

"She already has." River said. She sighed then and lifted her head from his shoulder.

Simon grimaced again as another headache passed through his head, along with an image of his mother and father. He was slightly pleased with himself because he was beginning to read without trying and the headache had definitely been less this time.

"Do you miss them a lot?" Simon asked glad for once that he was the one peeking in at her thoughts and not the other way around.

"Do you?" River retorted.

"Sometimes especially now. I just keep thinking that they just had a granddaughter and in nine months will have another grandchild and they'll probably never know. I think Mom would really love Sam." Simon answered sadly.

"Maybe someday they'll know her. Maybe they've changed." River said hopefully sounding more like the lost little girl she had been than the woman she had grown into.

Simon noticed that she was crying quietly, big tears rolling down her cheeks and dripping off her chin.

"I'm not going to hold my breath for that mei-mei and I don't think you should either. We have each other and we have our family on the ship. That's more than a lot of people in the Verse have, I think we should just be happy with that." Simon lectured gently.

River smiled and wiped the tears away from her face.

"So you'll be happy to be an uncle?" She asked hopefully.

"Can't you just read me and find out?" Simon questioned.

"Yes but she wants to hear it from you."

"Well then mei-mei honestly, I'm scared for you, but I think you're going to be a great mother and if you're happy about it I'm going to be happy with you. Ok?"

River's smile grew so big he was reminded of Kaylee for a moment. She threw her arms around Simon and hugged him fiercely. Simon laughed and stood up pulling River with him.

"Come on lets get back so Kaylee can see your not mad at me anymore, I have a feeling she's thinking about making me sleep outside." Simon said as he slid off the rock and stumbled to the ground.

River gave him a wicked smile and jumped gracefully from the rock, spinning 180 degrees in the air so that she landed right in front of her brother facing him. She stuck her tongue out at him before turning and running away.

"God she's really such a brat." Simon muttered to himself.

"She heard that!" River called out through the trees.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Three days later Jayne stood outside the remains of Serenity for his turn on watch. It was three in the morning and he was extremely unhappy about being forced to sit outside in the middle of the gorram night just because moonbrain was having "feelings" again.

Jayne sighed and took a swig of his last bottle of whiskey. Jayne still couldn't believe his little brother was married to that crazy girl. Cobb men were supposed to have more smarts than that, but then Jayne figured his youngest brother never had much smarts when it came to women. He scanned the sky for what felt like the millionth time since they'd been stuck on this moon looking for any sign of someone or something that might find them and get them off this gorram rock.

Just then he heard Kaylee's baby start hollering loudly and he sighed again. Weren't enough that his brother had to go and marry crazy girl but Kaylee had to go and have a baby with that prissy doc. Jayne didn't like babies, they were small, loud, and usually smelled worse than he did.

As if reading his thoughts Simon suddenly walked out of the ship holding his daughter in his arms, she was still crying but not as loudly as before.

"What ya doin out here, Doc?" Jayne asked grumpily as he sat up and turned to get a better look at the doctor. Jayne's mood improved a little when he saw that Simon was not nearly as put together as usual. His shirt was wrinkled and seemed to be covered in spit up and his hair was sticking up in every direction.

"Sam was crying and Kaylee really needs her sleep so I though we'd come out here for awhile." Simon replied distractedly while he tried to quiet the baby.

"Why ya'll callin her Sam, ain't that a boy's name?" Jayne asked.

Simon snorted with laughter and looked at Jayne liked he'd just made the funniest joke in the verse. "This coming from a guy named Jayne? I'd think you'd be the one person on this boat who wouldn't be judgmental about names." Simon replied between laughs.

"Hell doc I don't care what in the gorram Verse ya name the kid. Sides Jayne ain't just a girls name." he replied defensively.

"Well Sam is not just a boy's name." Simon replied and smiled when he looked down to find that Sam was now quiet and looking up at him contentedly. Jayne walked over towards Simon and gazed down at the tiny girl. Sam's focus immediately turned towards Jayne's face and she cooed happily.

"Hey I think she actually likes you." Simon told the merc, sounding surprised. Jayne grunted and pulled back away from the baby.

"Yeah well just don't expect me to be babysittin anytime soon." Jayne cracked and laughed at the thought of him babysitting.

Simon looked like he was about to reply with a sarcastic comment, but suddenly his face grew pale and his hands began to shake so badly that Jayne was forced to grab the baby from his arms before the doctor dropped her.

"What in the hell is your damage Doc?" Jayne asked. He looked down at the baby in his arms and felt more uncomfortable than he could ever remember being. The baby however looked content being held by the big man. Jayne looked up from the baby back to the doctor, who was still standing and shaking. Suddenly Simon turned around and began running towards the ship, seeming to have forgotten all about his daughter.

"Hey get your ass back here and take this thing!" Jayne yelled and followed the doc into Serenity. Just as they entered the cargo bay River came running down the stairs at a full sprint with Jack close on her heels. Simon and River gave each other a look but didn't speak.

"Will someone please explain to me what the hell is goin on?" Jayne shouted making the baby in his arms cry.

Simon turned towards the sound of his daughter's cry and gathered her back up from Jayne.

"We have to leave now!" Simon yelled and began running in the direction of he and Kaylee's bunk. River followed behind him with the two Cobb brothers right behind her. Simon ran into his bunk and River ran into Mal's.

"Captain we have to go!" River shouted and then ran out of his temporary room. Mal was still half asleep but he had learned long ago that River didn't screw around when she gave him warnings. He jumped up and pulled his shirt on while simultaneously grabbing his gun holster. Next door he could hear River shouting at Zoe and he thought for a second that the reader was probably lucky that his first mate hadn't shot her when she barged into her room. Down the hall Mal could hear Simon yelling for Kaylee to get up as quickly as she could. Within less than a minute of the Tam siblings shouting the entire crew had gathered in the hallway outside the passenger bunks.

"What is going on?" Mal yelled hating the feeling that he was out of control on his own boat.

"Christ Cap'n I been askin that since they started freakin out and I ain't got an answer yet." Jayne shouted holding Vera tightly against his chest. Simon turned and seemed to notice that the crew was standing around gaping at him for the first time.

"We have to leave the ship right now! There isn't much time left." He shouted and began pulling Kaylee towards the cargo bay.

"Why do we gotta leave the ship now?" Mal asked following the doctor. Simon turned around and glanced at Mal.

"They're coming right now. If we don't get out of here before they get here we won't make it." Simon explained as he helped Kaylee up into the mule.

"Who's coming?" Zoe asked finally speaking up. Mal saw that like he and Jayne she had also armed herself as soon as River had awoken her.

"The nothings, they're coming to find us. Boogeyman under the bed, the children know he's real!" River shouted tearfully.

"Gorram it everyone into the mule now!" Mal shouted realizing that if River and Simon were right they didn't have time to ask questions now.

"Sir the Mule won't run with this many." Zoe reminded him and he immediately flashed back to the planet Lilac when he had thrown a man off the mule in order to keep the weight load down.

"We're just gonna have to hope its fast enough, I ain't leavin no one behind." Mal said as they all squeezed into the mule. River fired up the engine and quickly backed out of the cargo bay.

It was close to impossible to maneuver the mule through the forest, especially in the dark but River's abilities along with her skills as a pilot allowed her to quickly move the crew away from Serenity. Mal kept watch behind them looking for any sign of what had scared his reader so badly, but he saw nothing.

River suddenly grabbed the Captain and pushed his hands onto the steering controls. "Keep going!" She yelled into his ear. Before he had time to react she stood up and jumped from the still flying mule into the darkness.

"River!" Simon and Jack both shouted at the same time, Jack moved to jump out of the mule and follow his wife until Jayne grabbed him and forced him back into his seat.

Mal was distracted by his pilot suddenly bailing from the vehicle and didn't see the boulder until it was almost too late. He glanced up just in time to see a large chuck of rock straight in front of their path. He slammed the mule to a stop forcing everyone to pitch forward and causing Kaylee to cry out in pain. The next few seconds passed in relative silence, even the baby was quiet. Mal was about to jump out of the mule and find his pilot when a cry of pain broke the silence. From just behind them came the sounds of a struggle, grunts of pain, and the sudden loud pop of a gun.

Just as quickly as River had disappeared from the mule suddenly she was back in the seat forcing Mal to move over as she slammed the mule forward around the boulder and into the darkness of the forest. Mal was filled with questions that he wanted to shout at River until he got some gorram answers, but held them in after seeing the terror in her face. He knew that whatever was behind them was something extremely dangerous to put that kind of fear into River.

After twenty minutes or so River stopped the mule and motioned for everyone to climb out, once they were on the ground she led them another thirty or forty feet to the base of the mountain the forest was situated on. She pulled aside a bush revealing a cave hidden in the rock and motioned for everyone to climb inside. Jack held the bush back so his wife could enter the cave, but when he put his hand on her back to push her in he felt something warm and sticky.

"River what's…" He began but didn't finish his sentence as his wife suddenly collapsed against him. He muttered a string of curse words and pulled her limp body into the cave.

"Simon, Rivers hurt." Jack said as he laid her gently down on the rocky ground of the cave. Mal pulled out a flashlight he had grabbed from the mule.

Just before he turned it on River grabbed Jack and whispered. "Cover the light, monsters are drawn to the light."

"Mal keep the light dim." Jack instructed. Mal covered the light with his jacked before turning it on. Even in the dim light everyone could see the dark stains covering Jack's hands and the front of his shirt. Simon moved quickly over to his sister and began to check her body for wounds. When he saw nothing on her front he gently turned her over to find that her back was covered in blood.

"Give me a knife!" Simon whispered urgently. Jack flipped open his knife and handed it to Simon who quickly cut the back of River's shirt open. Her back was covered in blood, but in the dim light Simon couldn't find a wound anywhere. He pulled off his own jacket and began wiping the blood away. After a few seconds Simon swore and dropped down to the ground with his head down.

"What is it?" Jack asked as he grabbed Simon and shook him a little to get his attention.

"She's been shot, there's a bullet hole near her right shoulder blade. I don't have any supplies, I don't know what to do." Simon replied dejectedly. Mal moved over quickly and used the dim light to examine River's back.

"Doc I seen a lot worse on the battle field and had even less supplies then. You're just gonna have to get the bullet out." Mal instructed.

River began to moan then and move a little. "Monsters are gone, won't be back until morning." She said weakly.

"River can we uncover the light? We need to see your injuries." Zoe asked softly. River didn't reply but nodded her head. Mal pulled his jacket from the flashlight and pointed the light at the bullet wound in River's back. From what Mal could see it had been a small caliber that had hit her, the hole in her wasn't very big and the bleeding had slowed down to just a trickle.

"Simon we need to get that bullet out." Mal instructed. Simon looked at him like he didn't understand what Mal was saying but then shook his head and moved over towards his sister.

"Jack give me your knife again, do we have any water or alcohol with us?" Simon asked. Jayne pulled a flask from his back pocket and threw it to the doctor. Simon poured some of the alcohol onto his hand, the knife, and River's back. River moaned as the alcohol ran into the bullet hole, Mal grabbed the flask and tried to get River to drink the alcohol.

"Come on lil' albatross this'll help the pain." He urged gently.

"No bad for the baby." River said and pressed her lips together against the alcohol.

"River I need you to hold still, this is going to hurt, but you can't move alright?" Simon instructed. River nodded again and closed her eyes.

Jack moved so that he was sitting in front of River with her head in his lap. Mal grabbed both of River's legs and Zoe held her arms.

Jack was struck by the matching looks in Zoe and Mal's eyes. It was obvious they knew what was coming and had done this before.

Moving as quickly as possible Simon cut into River's skin and began to prod around for the bullet. River sucked in a deep breath but held in the scream Mal knew wanted to escape from her lips. Her arms and legs tensed up but she managed to keep still while Simon worked. After only a minute or two, which seemed to last hours for everyone in the cave Simon managed to pull the slug from River's back. Blood began to immediately seep from the wound and Mal quickly pressed his jacket over it to stem the flow. River glanced up at Jack and smiled, "The baby's fine." She told him before losing consciousness.

"I think she'll be ok. The bullet hit her shoulder blade and stopped. It didn't hit anything vital thank God. I wish I had sutures, hopefully the wound will stop bleeding on its own if we keep pressure on it." Simon said trying to reassure Jack who looked on the verge of panic.

Simon moved over to his wife and daughter to make sure that they were ok. Some of the stitches in Kaylee's stomach had been pulled from moving so quickly, but she wasn't bleeding much and the baby had fallen back to sleep, oblivious to the danger they were in.

"Does anyone know what in the hell happened?" Mal asked finally glancing around at his crew. "Simon seemed like you knew enough to get us the ruttin hell out of there. Care to explain what's going on?" Mal continued staring intently at the young doctor.

"I'm not sure how to explain it. It was just this feeling I had, I knew we had to get out of there right then or we weren't going to make it out at all." Simon said looking uncomfortably down at the ground.

"Ain't it crazy over there who's supposed to have feelings bout stuff?" Jayne asked.

"River's been helping me learn to be a reader. Apparently it's something that runs in the genetics of our family." Simon explained avoiding the eye contact of everyone in the group.

"And you felt this wasn't something you needed to share with the rest of us?" Kaylee asked.

"I-I… look I didn't know how to feel about it ok? I mean we've all seen what being a reader has done to River. I just wanted to wait until I thought it over some before I told everyone. Plus I found out right before you went into labor I didn't really have a lot of free time to process the information." Simon replied looking helplessly at his wife.

"So you felt these things coming? Any idea what they are?" Mal asked trying to bring the subject back around to the most important topic.

"I have no idea what they are Captain, I'm sorry. It's kind of like River said it was like nothing. Like I could feel something there because of the total absence of anything to feel." Simon told them trying not to sound as crazy as his sister usually did. Simon was beginning to understand how difficult it must be for River; always having people want explanations for things that really couldn't be explained at least not in words.

"I'm not crazy I just don't know how to put it into words, but trust me something was there and whatever it was it's dangerous."

"Well River must'a got a look at whatever it was when she was getting' shot, so when she wakes up we'll find out what we're dealin with. Till then maybe we should try and get some sleep. I'll take first watch." Mal said. No one in the crew replied, everyone simply slumped down and tried to make themselves more comfortable in the cramped and rocky cave.

A few hours later River began to stir. Jack woke up as soon as she moved and immediately helped his wife into a sitting position. River was obviously in pain but managed to sit up and take a deep breath. Mal and Zoe both woke up at the movement in the cave and looked expectantly at River.

"Hey there lil' albatross, how ya doin?" Mal asked.

River stopped for a second tilting her head to the side in a gesture that Jack was beginning to recognize as her reading. "They're gone. We can return to Serenity now." She replied simply.

"Well fore we go back there, do ya think maybe you could explain what the hell it was that we had to run from and what managed to shoot you in the back." Mal questioned.

River looked confused and frustrated, tears began to form in her eyes. "The dark covered them, inside and out. She couldn't see them. Human but more." River answered him in a shaky voice.

"Well that's all manner a helpful thanks." Mal replied sarcastically.

Everyone had awakened by then and they climbed stiffly from the cave where they had spent the night. Simon helped Kaylee into the mule as Jack helped River climb up. As soon as everyone was loaded up Mal turned the mule on and began to drive back to Serenity.

"You sure they're gone lil' albatross?" Mal asked. River seemed distracted and only nodded at him.

Jayne turned to look behind them for any signs of anyone following and noticed that Kaylee was sitting in the back of the mule breastfeeding Sam. "Ahh ruttin hell Kaylee I don't need to be seein that!" He yelled and turned back around to face the front of the mule again.

"Well sorry Jayne but she's gotta eat. Its either this or you can listen to her scream all the way back to Serenity." Kaylee said with a laugh.

It was obvious as soon as they returned to the ship that there had indeed been people there the night before. Many of their belongings were scattered around the campsite and Jayne confirmed that he could make out at least ten different sets of footprints. After a thorough search of the ship and surrounding area they found no further indication that anyone was in the vicinity. The entire crew was wary as they settled back into their home but over the next few days nothing out of the ordinary happened and everyone began to feel more comfortable.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Five days after their return to Serenity Mal ordered Jayne to take River with him to try and hunt down some game, as they were beginning to run low on meat.

"Jesus Mal why do I gotta take the moonbrain with me. I don't want her anywhere's around me when she's gotta gun." Jayne whined to the captain.

"Jayne everyone else is busy and sides havin a psychic is mighty handy when you're huntin." Mal replied annoyed with Jayne's continuing problems with River.

"Well then send crazy by herself." Jayne argued.

"You want me to send the ninety pound pregnant girl who has a not completely healed bullet hole in her back hunting alone? Just how exactly is she supposed to get the deer back if she gets one?" Mal said and walked away before Jayne could argue any further.

Jayne sighed and walked to the other side of the ship where he found River loading a rifle and waiting for him. He walked into the woods without speaking to her and she silently followed behind him. They walked for about five miles before River grabbed Jayne's arm and motioned for him to stop. She pointed through a patch of bushes and Jayne noticed a small group of deer grazing on the other side. He quickly pulled up his rifle and aimed at the only large buck of the group. One shot sent the rest of the herd running and the buck crashing to the ground with a bullet hole through his neck. Jayne smiled at his success and set about with his knife to clean the carcass before heading back to the ship. River climbed onto a rock and watched him as he worked. After fifteen minutes or so Jayne began to get mighty uncomfortable with the way crazy just sat and stared at him without saying a word.

"Gorram it ya crazy can't ya stop starin at me for five ruttin seconds you're driven me nuttier than you are!" Jayne yelled as he threw his knife into the ground and looked up.

It was then that he noticed River was no longer sitting on the rock. He turned to look for her but saw only the quick blur of an arm swinging towards him before he was hit in the head, then he saw only blackness.

Jayne moaned slightly and began to move around. He was confused as to why he would be laying to the ground and why his head felt like he'd been up all night drinking. Suddenly he remembered the quick glimpse he'd had of something before he was knocked unconscious and his eyes snapped open causing him to be blinded momentarily by the sunlight shining into his eye. He groaned at the pain the light caused in his head but forced himself to sit up and look around.

When he did he almost wished he'd remained unconscious. Every direction he glanced in Jayne saw carnage. Bodies lay broken and bleeding covering the entire clearing where he lay. He saw that most of them had died of gunshot wounds but he also glimpsed a few with broken necks and a couple who appeared to have been beaten to death. Jayne frantically began to turn the bodies over looking for River. It was made harder by the fact that many of the bodies were female and all of them were young, right around River's age or even younger. He counted ten bodies in all but none of them were hers. Jayne wasn't sure to take River's absence as a good sign or a bad one.

After searching every body he began to walk in a circle around the clearing looking for any clue to the whereabouts of his crewmember. He walked by her once before noticing her but the second time he walked past her he noticed a slight movement that caught his eye.

River was curled into a ball next to the bushes where they had spied the deer. She was almost entirely covered in blood. Her hair was drenched with it along with her face, arms, and hands. Her dress and legs both had long streaks of dried blood running down them. Jayne stared at her for a few seconds, convinced that she was dead but then noticed she was breathing regularly.

"River girl you ok?" Jayne asked and hurried over to where she lay. He pulled her out from under the bush and began to look for injuries, but found that it was nearly impossible because of the blood covering almost every inch of her. Jayne knew that all of it couldn't be hers she would have died long before she could bleed that much herself. Some people liked to call Jayne an idiot, but it didn't take a genius to figure out who had created all the corpses littering the ground around them. He sat River up and looked into her face. She stared blankly back at him as if he wasn't there at all.

"Hey River you take care of all these guys?" Jayne asked and shook her shoulders a little trying to gain a response from the girl. She rocked as he shook her but didn't respond or meet his eye. Jayne spent a few more minutes trying to get River to react but she simply sat where he had pulled her to and stared straight ahead. Finally sighing Jayne put his arms around the skinny girl and lifted her up and began carrying her towards Serenity, the deer lying forgotten with the other bodies.

Kaylee was standing outside Serenity washing some of Sam's clothes when she saw Jayne walking towards her. At first glance Kaylee thought he was carrying the bloody body of a deer back to the ship, but a second glance showed that it was her sister in law lying limply in the big merc's arms.

"Oh God River!" Kaylee yelled and ran towards Jayne. There was so much blood covering her friend that Kaylee was convinced she had to be dead.

"Jayne what happened? Oh God River!" She yelled again. Her screams caught the rest of the crew's attention and after a few seconds everyone had run outside. Mal saw Jayne carrying the still and bloody form of his pilot and flashed back to earlier in the day and the anger that Jayne had shown at being forced to hunt with River.

"You son of a bitch what in the hell did you do to her." He screamed and ran to Jayne ready to beat the man to death with his bare hands. Jayne backed up and shook his head frantically back and forth.

"I didn't do nothin to her Mal! This ain't her blood, I don't think she's hurt." Jayne explained. Jack ran up then and pulled his wife from Jayne's arms. He dropped to the ground with River and began rocking her back and forth. He like Kaylee was convinced that she was dead. He cried out with relief when he realized that he could feel her breathing against his chest. Simon meanwhile was pulling desperately at Jack.

"Jack you have to move so I can examine her." Simon said gently pulling Jack away from his wife. As Simon began to check River for injuries Mal and Zoe pulled Jayne away from the group.

"What in the hell happened out there Jayne? You better start talkin quick fore I start beatin on you." Mal threatened.

"I don't know what happened Mal, I swear. We was huntin and got a deer and I was cleanin it. I looked up and saw that River was gone and then I turned around caught a glimpse a this guy behind me. Next thing I know I'm waken up and there's bodies all over the whole damn ground. I started turning over the bodies looking for River and swear to God Mal there was ten bodies all of em dead and then River's there just layin all covered in blood and she wouldn't talk or nothin' so I picked her up and brought her back here." Jayne explained shaking his head at the memory.

Mal sighed and thought for a minute. "Well lets go make sure River's alright then I want you to take me out to where all these bodies are at."

Simon shook his head and stood up from his sister's bed. It had been an hour since Jayne had brought River back and in that time she hadn't shown any sign of recognition for anyone. She wouldn't speak or move on her own, she simply sat and stared. Jack moved back to allow Simon to leave their room and then cornered the doctor in the hallway.

"Simon what is wrong with my wife?" He asked. Simon sighed again and shook his head dejectedly.

"Jack honestly I have no idea. She's catatonic, but I don't see any physical reason for it. Whatever it is it's psychological." Simon replied hoarsely.

"So how long is she gonna be like this?" Jack asked staring past Simon at the still form of his wife.

"I couldn't say. Maybe if she was still on her medication it would help pull her out of this sooner. But as unstable as she was becoming before today, I can't even guess how long she could remain like this. Whatever happened out there must have been bad."

"Can I move her? I mean take her to the river and get her cleaned up so she ain't all covered in blood."

"It should be fine to move her, like I said physically she's fine." Simon answered. He turned to move away and then stopped and turned back to his brother in law.

"Oh Jack, I should also tell you. I found something when I was examining her for injuries."

"What? I thought you said she was fine physically." Jack said concerned.

"She is I promise. Its just she was right, she is pregnant, she's far enough along now that I could tell. The baby seems to be doing fine, although without my equipment that's really just a guess." Simon said sadly and walked away.

Jack sighed and closed the door before he began to strip the bloody dress off River. He then covered her up with a sheet and left the room again. Kaylee and Simon were sitting in their room with the baby when Jack stuck his head into the room.

"Uh Kaylee do ya think maybe you could help me for a bit?" Jack asked.

"Sure what do ya need help with?" Kaylee asked as she stood up and handed the baby to Simon.

"Well I wanna take River down to the water and get her cleaned up, I don't think I can get her all clean with just a bowl of water." Jack explained.

Kaylee looked like she might cry but nodded her head and followed Jack out of the room. Jack gently picked up River and wrapped the sheet around her before following Kaylee down the path they had worn to the river. He unwrapped the sheet from around River and stepped into the water with her, as he lay her down he noticed sadly that she didn't even flinch when the chilly water hit her skin. He gently began to wash the blood away from her and Kaylee began to wash her hair.

Soon River was cleaned of the blood and Jack began to dry her off. His hand paused on her stomach and he thought about the baby growing inside. What if their baby never knew their mother? What if she stayed this way forever, just a shell of herself? Jack let out a sob and turned his face away from Kaylee hoping that she wouldn't see his tears.

"Hey Jack its gonna be ok. River is one a the strongest people I know she'll come around soon you'll see." Kaylee comforted and pulled Jack into a hug.

"I just keep thinking that maybe our baby will never know their mother, that she'll be this way forever." Jack explained.

"I promise she won't be." Kaylee said and smiled.

Jack wiped the tears from his face and smiled back. He wanted to believe Kaylee more than anything, but the only thing he could seem to think of was the blank dead look in his wife's eyes.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

The morning after Jayne brought River back from the woods Jack woke up to find River sitting on the end of the bed. She was dressed and brushing her hair like she did almost every other morning. Jack felt such relief to see his wife acting normally again, but when he moved to hug she immediately pulled away from him. He noticed that her eyes still held the blank glazed over look they'd had the day before. She stood up from the bed and left the room without looking at or speaking to her husband.

Simon examined River again after Jack informed him of the improvement she was showing. She again sat still and allowed the exam to happen but didn't react in any way. Jack paced nervously outside the ship as he waited for Simon to finish.

"So Doc what do you think? Is she getting better?" Jack asked hopefully as soon as Simon stepped outside of Serenity.

"Jack I'm not really sure. I've never seen this kind of behavior before. Technically she isn't catatonic because she is moving on her own, but she still isn't responding to anyone." Simon trailed off but Jack had the feeling that the doctor wasn't telling him everything.

"I know you got a theory Doc I can see it on your face. Whatever it is just tell me."

"Like I said I really don't know what to think of this behavior, but if I was going to guess I'd say that River is taking care of herself for the baby. I know my sister, no matter what happens to her there is no way she would ever endanger her child. I think mentally she has shut down, probably because she's trying to protect herself from whatever happened in the woods."

"So do you think she's getting better or not?"

"I want to say yes, but I really don't know for sure. I think we should take it as a good sign that she is taking care of herself. Hopefully in time she'll start talking again. But I really don't know when or if that will happen." Simon replied sounding every bit as frustrated as Jack felt.

One night a week later the entire crew was sitting outside enjoying the warm weather and full moon hanging in the sky. Everyone was quiet, lost in their own thoughts. Simon gazed at his sister who was staring blankly into the fire seemingly unaware of where she was. He took a deep breath and quieted his mind the way she had taught him and tried to focus in on his sister's thoughts and feelings.

After five minutes of trying he became frustrated because every time he began to sense something from her the thoughts and feelings of the rest of the crew would crowd into his mind as well. Simon again felt a wave of pity for his sister knowing that she must feel this confusion all the time and unlike him she didn't have the ability to turn it off when she wanted peace. He couldn't imagine having that much noise and crowding in his mind constantly without anyway of escaping it and could now better understand why his sister had spent so much time tucked away in the nooks and crannies of Serenity. It wasn't that she was crazy it was an act of self preservation, giving her a few moments of escape from the noise in her head.

Simon stood up from the fire and pulled River to her feet.

"Whatcha doin honey?" Kaylee asked as she rocked Sam gently.

"I'm going to take River for a walk for a little while. I think maybe it'll be good for her to have some time away from everyone." Simon replied. "Now I know what she meant when she used to tell us how noisy we all are."

"What da ya mean noise? We ain't said a word for almost an hour." Jayne said looking confused.

"I know but believe me now that I can read somewhat I know what she was talking about. You have no idea how loudly everyone thinks." Simon replied and began guiding River away from the group.

Jack stood up and followed for a second. Simon turned around and put out a hand to stop his brother in law.

"I know you're worried Jack but I think maybe I can read River if I get her away from everyone for awhile. I promise I won't let anything happen to her." Simon assured the worried looking husband. Jack sighed but didn't argue, he leaned over to kiss River on the cheek but she pulled her head away from his reach. Looking hurt Jack turned and sat back down near the campfire.

Simon grabbed River's hand and pulled her down the path towards the river. Once they reached the bank of the water Simon picked River up and set her on the large rock they had sat on before. He had to swallow a lump in his throat when he recalled their last conversation on the rock, she had been so happy about being pregnant and about informing him that he was also psychic. He could still picture her jumping lightly off the rock and giving him that bratty smile before running off.

Once he had River securely on the rock he climbed up himself and positioned both of them into the way they had been sitting when she taught him to be a reader. After they were facing each other he leaned over and pressed his forehead to hers' slightly surprised when she didn't pull away from the contact.

He took a deep breath and concentrated his entire will onto seeing into his sister's mind. At first he felt nothing coming from her, just a dull sadness, and realized that she was blocking her thoughts from him. He tried again concentrating even harder than before. After thirty seconds of feeling nothing he was suddenly able to break through the wall River had put up around her mind. It was so sudden and extreme that Simon felt his body go ridged and was only vaguely aware that he had toppled off the rock and was now lying in the mud at the bank of the river. His body shook and jerked as if he were having a seizure. He was unable to break away from the barrage of emotions and memories forcing their way into his head. River's memories came to him in a series of disjointed flashes.

"_Bye Simon I love you." River whispers as she hugs her older brother._

"_Bye mei-mei be sure to write. I want to hear about all the stuff you're learning at that fancy Academy." Simon replies and squeezes River tighter. She lets go reluctantly and bends over to pick up her suitcase. Just before she boards the shuttle she turns once more to wave at her brother and gives him a shaky, but brave smile._

_River shudders and screams as she climbs out of the cryo box and finds herself safe in her brother's arms for the first time in three years._

_River smiles at the pure freedom of being in space as she floats down to the waiting arms of the Captain. _

"_Permission to come aboard?" She asks with a laugh._

Dozens of memories like these passed into Simon's head, so clear he felt as if they were really happening. The memories of Simon and the crew soon began to give way to more confusing memories and after a moment Simon realized he was seeing her memories of the academy.

"_I want please to see my brother." River whispers as she sits in a drab gray room, knowing all the time that they won't let her see Simon, they won't let her be rescued._

_River lays curled in a ball in the corner of her small padded room. She covers her ears and screams over and over, desperately wishing for death, because death would silence the screams of the millions of dead souls trapped in her head._

_Bright white light momentarily blinds her as she is forced into a chair and strapped down. She struggles against her restraints when she sees the long needles that she knows will soon be put into her head._

"_I see you." River whispers as her bloody hand leaves a smear on the glass of the mirror in the interview room._

"_Get up! You don't quit! Is that clear!" A large man towers over River as she lies on the floor of a training room. Her lip and nose are bleeding and she's cradling an obviously broken arm. The man roughly grabs her by the shoulders and forces her to stand and continue to fight._

It was then that constant stream of memories stopped and Simon was able to look at one singular memory that stood out like a beacon in River's mind.

River is pushed into her padded cell like room by two masked orderlies. She crawls to a corner of the room and pulls her knees up to her chest. Her arm is enclosed in a large white cast and both of her eyes are black. She rocks back and forth as she begins to cry first for her mother who she knows will never come for her and then for Simon who she knows is her only hope. The door to her room opens suddenly and another girl slides quickly into the room, closing the door behind her. She is about the same age as River and is wearing the same type of hospital gown. Quickly the girl hurries over to River and pulls her into her arms. She rocks River back and forth and brushes the tangled hair out of River's face, all the while murmuring words of comfort to the crying girl. "Shh…River it's going to be ok. Your brother will come for us remember? You said he's coming so we just have to be patient until then. You just have to hang on until Simon comes and then he'll get us out of here. I promise everything will be ok, just be strong a little longer." The girl continues to stroke River's head and rock her until River's crying stops and she drops off to sleep. The girl kisses River's forehead gently and then quietly slips out of the room.

Simon gasped and sat up suddenly very much aware of the fact that he was lying in the mud on the ground. He climbed slowly to his feet and back up onto the rock. River was still sitting in the same position she had been in, but tears were now streaming down her face.

Simon ran through all that he had seen trying to find some clue in the memories that may help his sister. It suddenly occurred to him that he had seen the girl in the memory before. He thought hard trying to recall where he had seen her, and suddenly in a moment of clarity he realized how he knew the girl's face and just what was wrong with his sister.

He had helped bury this girl just days before, one of the ten people River had killed in the woods. Simon gasped now understanding what had caused her to fall into this state.

"River Oh God, I'm sorry. I didn't know who they were. It wasn't your fault, you had to do it. They would have hurt us, they would have hurt Sam, and they would have hurt your baby. You didn't have a choice." Simon whispered gently and pulled River into an embrace not allowing her to pull away from him this time.

She remained ridged in his arms for a second and then collapsed against him, her silent crying turning into loud wails of sorrow.

"I didn't want to, but I had to stop them." She whispered in between sobs.

Simon held River for almost an hour allowing her to cry and at times even strike out at him with her small fists. Finally her breathing became slower and steadier until she drifted off to sleep.

Simon climbed off the rock carefully and pulled River into his arms; she stirred a little but didn't wake up. He slowly walked back to Serenity where the crew still everyone looked expectantly at him when he approached. He gave them a nod but said nothing as he carried River inside and gently laid her on her bed. After making sure that she was comfortable he walked back outside, without a word he grabbed Kaylee into a tight embrace needing so much to feel the strong and constant love that radiated from Kaylee. Kaylee held her husband but wisely didn't push him to speak. She simply gave him comfort and waited for him to explain. After a minute or two Simon pulled away from his wife and turned to look at the entire crew.

"The people she killed in the woods were the other students from the Academy. At least one of the girls was her friend." Simon whispered. "That's why she's been like this, its guilt over what she's done."

"She told you this?" Kaylee asked quietly.

"No she showed me inside my head, memories of her time at the Academy. It's hard to explain they went by really fast, but I do know that one of the girls we buried the other day, looked out for River, kept her going while she was in there. And River was forced to kill her." Simon explained getting angrier by the second.

"How is she now Simon?" Jack asked.

"I'm not quite sure. I think she's back, mentally I mean. She broke down out there and cried. Any sign of emotion at this point is a good thing. But I know she's blaming herself and I think that guilt is going to take a long time to deal with."

"What I wanna know is how one girl, even one like River, was able to take down ten people who have the same training as her. She seemed plenty scared a them when ya'll made us run from them. How'd she manage to kill em all on her own?" Mal asked.

"I have no idea Captain. She didn't show me anything that happened out there in the woods." Simon answered. "Hopefully when she wakes up she'll be talking again and we can get some answers then. But I don't want to push the issue, if we force her to confront what happened to quickly she could have a relapse and end up catatonic again." Simon warned.

Jack stood then and without another word to the crew he walked inside to be with his wife.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Jack found River curled up on their bed in the fetal position, she had her face buried in a pillow and was sleeping peacefully. She woke up when Jack climbed into bed beside her and turned over so that they were lying face to face. Slowly River reached out one hand and placed it on Jack's cheek.

"Hi." She said quietly.

"Hi yourself." Jack replied and then felt his eyes fill with tears. "Are you back bao-bei?" He asked.

"Think so. I'm sorry I scared you. I didn't mean to get so lost, but the woods… How long has it been since then?" River asked.

"It's been a week. You don't remember any of it?"

"No the last thing I remember is Jayne shooting a deer and cleaning it. Then I felt the nothingness coming and after that everything is blank until you woke me up a minute ago."

River eyes suddenly widened and she looked around frantically. Her hands clenched into fists and she began to breathe rapidly. Her eyes filled with tears and her entire body started to tremble violently. She looked at Jack with impossibly large eyes as tears spilled down her cheeks.

"I remember now. What happened out in the woods." She said almost to herself.

"You don't have to talk about it if it's too hard." Jack assured her, not wanting to do anything that could upset her.

"No I want to tell you, but it's hard. Hard to quantify and make sense. There is so much noise inside my head and they were so quiet."

"Simon told us that the people who came when we were hiding in the cave were at the Academy with ya and they was the ones out in the woods." Jack said thinking maybe if he got straight to the point it would help.

"Didn't know all of them. We weren't allowed to form friendships, they would make us weak, but a few of the others they were my friends anyway. Sasha was older than me, she took care of me. She used to run her hand through my hair and sing to help the nightmares go away. I shot her in the head, right between the eyes. Samuel was my sparring partner in hand to hand combat training. He was funny. He always made fun of the trainer behind his back. I broke his neck. Amy was young like me. I would tell her stories sometimes when she was scared. I killed her with a rock after I ran out of bullets. I killed them all."

River finished talking and looked at her husband, wondering if he would now see her as a monster. He had surprised her so many times with his understanding, but how could he accept the fact that his wife was a living weapon, a killer?

Jack stared back at River. He was afraid to blink, move, even breath. He worried that if he did anything it would break this spell and cause River to return to that silent state she'd been in.

"I'm sorry." River said suddenly.

"Sorry for what?"

"Not being the woman you thought you married. I should have told you what I was." River said and began to cry.

"I know exactly what you are. You're my beautiful, unbelievable wife who did something that nearly destroyed her to protect her family. Stop worrying so much, it's not good for the baby." Jack said sternly and then broke into a large grin.

"Why do you love me so much?" She asked.

"Why do you even need to ask that question? If you can't understand how spectacular you are well then you're the dumbest genius I ever met."

"Oxymoron. Plus how many other dumb geniuses have you met?" River joked.

Jack gave a hearty laugh and leaned over to kiss his wife. For the first time in a week River didn't pull away from his touch. She returned the kiss with passion and heat.

"Hey bao-bei just do me one favor." Jack asked suddenly pulling away from her hungry kisses.

"Anything ai-ren." She replied.

"Don't ever leave me like that again. I've never been so scared in my whole life. I can't go through that again." He said turning suddenly serious.

"I promise to do everything within my power to never do it again."

Jack smiled and then pulled River to him and began to kiss her once more. The love they made that night didn't last long, nor was it the best they'd ever had together, they were both to exhausted for that, but it was sweet and passionate and exactly the kind of comfort they both desperately needed.

Early the next morning River woke up with the Captain's worries in her head. He didn't understand what had happened in the woods and he was once again worrying that maybe letting River stay on board was a danger to the rest of his crew.

River climbed out of bed carefully so as not to wake Jack. She smiled at the way he hugged her pillow and buried his face into it, like he thought it was her. She pulled on a clean dress and her boots then slipped quietly from the room.

Even without reading Mal she would have known exactly where to find him. He stood next to the big rock at the river's edge looking out at the water and the woods beyond. His breath came out in small puffs of cool morning air and he stood with such a Captainly stance that River had to suppress a giggle.

"It's early to be having such serious thoughts." She said from behind him causing him to jump a foot into the air and give her the same annoyed expression he gave every time she snuck up on him.

"Sorry bout that didn't mean for my thinkin ta wake ya up."

"Not a problem. I realize everyone has many questions and since you're the Captain you have the burden of asking them." She answered as she walked over and boosted herself up onto the rock.

"Guess that's true. How ya doin? If you don't feel up ta talkin then I can wait."

"No it would be beneficial for everyone to know the details sooner rather than later."

"So ya care ta tell me how in the gorram Verse you managed to kill ten people that all had the same trainin you did? Ya seemed so scared of em that night you made us run, hard ta believe something that scared you so bad would be so easy for ya ta take down."

"I was scared because I didn't know what they were, couldn't read them, couldn't feel them at all. Once I realized what they were, well they weren't so hard to defeat."

"Ok still not makin any sense to me. If they were trained to fight like you, how could ya possibly kill ten of em without gettin a mark on ya?"

"Prodigy remember? I was always the best especially when combat was involved. Not all the students were trained fight. We were trained for different tasks. All of us were trained in combat, but I was the only one designed to be the weapon of the Alliance. Once I knew who they were I was able to break past the barriers and read them. Not so hard to win a fight when you always know what will happen before it does."

Mal thought on this for a second before responding. "Thought you said you wasn't able to read them."

"Couldn't until I saw them. We were all trained to protect our minds from other readers. That is what they were doing. I just broke through that training."

"How'd ya do that?"

"I've always been able to do it. Once the Academy discovered I could read all the readers, things got much worse for me. Suddenly I was a variant that they couldn't control like they'd hoped. I wasn't allowed around the others at all after they discovered what I could do."

"So you really were the best a the best there huh? Guess I can understand a little better why they'd want ya back so damn bad." Mal said and gave River a look of sympathy.

"Sometimes being special is more of a burden than a gift." River said wisely. "Are there any other concerns you would like to discuss?"

"Not bout that I guess, but I do wanna know how you're doin. You had us all right scared there for awhile."

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to cause such concern. I guess what I did was too much, my mind had to escape to protect itself."

"But yer back now. What'd Simon do out there ta fix ya?"

"He shared my pain with me. He gave me a safe way of looking at my guilt and once it was safe I could confront it." River explained.

"You shouldn't feel guilty bout what ya did. They was after you and probably us too. I mean they shot ya in the back not too long ago. You was just doin what needed to be done. Maybe they were friends of yours once, but friends don't try and kill ya and yer family." Mal reasoned hoping to make her feel better.

"I don't feel guilty for killing them Captain. The things I killed in the woods weren't my friends, not any longer. Their minds were gone, they were simply robots of the Alliance. No emotion, no personality, nothing but programming. I think killing them was the kindest thing I could have done for them."

"So what exactly are ya feelin so guilty about?" Mal asked sounding very confused.

River didn't respond right away. She looked past him into the early morning light filtering through the trees. Her eyes were large and dark. They carried a haunted look of regret, one that Mal was all too familiar with. He saw that same stare whenever he looked into a mirror.

When River began to talk she still wouldn't look at Mal, she just continued to stare out into the wilderness.

"I told Sasha all about Simon. I told her that Simon would come, he was making a plan and if we were patient he would come. I told her he would come for us. I promised her I would get her out of there. I promised that I would get everyone out of there. I didn't. Simon came and I followed him to safety and I never once looked back to think about the others. What kind of a person saves themselves and leaves those they care about in Hell? I should have done something. I should have gotten them away from the blue hands. Why didn't I do something?" River began to cry she looked so lost and ashamed that it nearly broke Mal's heart.

"Hey Lil Albatross ya didn't do nothin wrong. It's terrible what was done to them and to you, but it weren't yer doin. What would ya have done if ya had gotten them all out? No way Simon coulda hidden that many people, specially if they were as confused as you were back then. The Alliance probly woulda caught up with ya before you'd even made it to the docks and then all of ya would be in that place still. A creature's first instinct is self preservation. I think that's what you did. You saved yer self cause ya had to. Plus I remember how ya was right after ya got outta there. You really think the state you were in ya can blame yerself for not thinkin bout the others?" Mal replied, hoping his little speech would comfort her.

"It has made me feel better thank you." River said reading his thoughts easily. She leaned over and kissed his cheek and then leaned her head on his shoulder. They remained like that for a few minutes, both of them lost in their own thoughts of the past.

River stood up and jumped down from the rock abruptly. She stopped suddenly and held still, her head tilted to the side and her eyes closed. Mal knew she was reading something and he stiffened when he realized it was probably something else trying to kill them.

"We should get back to the ship, someone's coming." River said.

Mal felt a little relief because she didn't sound upset and she wasn't running back to the ship.

"Who's comin? Is it somethin that's gonna want us dead? Cause I'm fairly sick of people that want us dead." Mal said as he jogged a little to catch up with her.

River turned and gave him a wide happy smile.

"It's not danger, someone good. Someone who will help us. Although I should tell you she has wished you dead on a few occasions, but I don't think she was ever serious." River said and gave Mal a wink.

"Some girl who's wished me dead? Ya mean Inara's comin?" Mal asked.

River only smiled and hurried away from him back towards Serenity.


End file.
